CHARIVARIA.

“If a burglar broke into my house,” says Lady Beecham, “I should use the telephone to summon help.”  Lady Beecham seems to have a sanguine temperament.

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Asked how she would act in case a burglar broke into her house, Miss Iris Hoey said she would stand before him and recite SHAKSPEARE.  If anybody else had said this we should have suspected a cruel nature.

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A libel action arising, out of the representation by a German artist of the ex-Crown Prince as a baboon is to be heard shortly.  It is not yet known who is to prosecute on behalf of the local Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

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Nine thousand officials have been appointed to control the food supplies in Petrograd.  English Government officials regard this arrangement as the work of an amateur.

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It is said that the exchange crisis is regarded by Mr. C.B.  Cochran as a deliberate attempt to divert attention from the Dempsey contest.

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The rumour that Carpentier and Dempsey, in order to avoid further fuss and publicity, have decided to fight it out privately, appears to have no foundation.

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Wrexham Education Committee is reconsidering its decision against teaching Welsh in the elementary schools.  The pathetic case of a local man who was recently convicted of stealing a leg of beef owing to his being unable to give his evidence in Welsh is thought to have something to do with it.

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A domestic servants’ union has been formed and an advertisement for a good plain shop stewardess (two in family; policeman kept) will, we understand, shortly appear in The Morning Post.

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During the recent gales on the West Coast of Ireland the anemometer registered the unprecedented velocity of one hundred-and-ten miles per hour.  A number of cases of anemonia are reported from the Phoenix Park district.

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According to Men’s Wear, silk hats are to be increased in price by at least thirty per cent.  Is it by this process, we wonder, that they hope to drive Mr. Churchill out of business?

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A pig and sty constituted first prize at a recent whist drive at Bishop’s Waltham.  We understand that a difference of opinion between the winner and the pig as regards the user of the sty has ended fatally for the latter.

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It is reported that the Victory badge now being worn extensively in New York is to be replaced by another bearing the inscription, “We did them.”

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“I intend to tour England,” says a Prohibition lecturer, “and I will not be hurried.”  We recommend the railway.

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A Tralee man charged with shooting a neighbour said he had no desire to break the law.  It seems that he mistook the man for a policeman.