[King and Soldiers go.]

GOTHAM MEN.  Ha, ha, ha!

THE TWO QUESTIONS

SCENE I

TIME:  when John was King of England.
PLACE:  King John’s palace.

* * * * *

KING JOHN. 
ABBOT. 
KNIGHT. 
JESTER. 
LORDS AND LADIES.

* * * * *

[KING JOHN sits on his throne.  A KNIGHT stands before him.  Back of him are the LORDS, the LADIES, and the JESTER.]

KING.  Now, what is this you say?

KNIGHT.  I saw it all, your Majesty.

KING.  You say one hundred men sit down to dine with him?

KNIGHT.  Yes, your Majesty, every day.

KING.  And fifty knights in velvet coats do wait on him?

KNIGHT.  They bring him food on golden plates.

JESTER.  Your Majesty does not eat on golden plates!

KING.  I cannot afford it.

JESTER.  Ha, ha!  The king’s Abbot lives better than the king!

KING.  Be silent, Jester!  Sir Knight, go bring this Abbot to me.

[The Knight bows and goes.]

JESTER.  The Abbot is the real king!  Now who is John, ladies?  Who is
John, lords?  Truly, who are you, John?

[All laugh.  Enter the KNIGHT and ABBOT.]

KING.  Abbot, I hear strange things about you.

ABBOT.  Your Majesty!  How can that be?

KING.  ’Tis said that every day you have one hundred men to dine with you.

ABBOT.  Oh, your Majesty, they are only friends.

KING.  No matter who they are!

JESTER.  ’Tis not their names!  ’Tis what they eat!

LORDS.  Ha, ha!

LADIES.  Ha, ha!

KING.  ’Tis said that fifty knights in velvet coats do wait on you!

ABBOT.  Well, your Majesty, I—­

KING (interrupting). Do I have fifty knights to wait on me?

ABBOT.  Well, your Majesty, I—­

[He stops in confusion.]

JESTER.  Are eggs brought to us on golden plates?  Not so!  Not an egg!

KING.  You spend more money, sir, than I do!  How do you dare to do so?

ABBOT.  ’Tis my own money, Sire—­

KING.  ’Tis not your money!  Everything in this land belongs to me!  You shall go to prison, sir!

ABBOT (falling on his knees).  Oh, say not so, dear King!  Oh, say not so!

KING.  Well, I will let you off if you will answer me two questions.

ABBOT.  Ask as many as you like, dear King.

KING.  First, you must tell me how long I shall live.

[The Abbot is silent.]

JESTER.  Go on, John!  Ask as many as you like!

KING.  Then, Abbot, you must tell me what I think.

ABBOT.  Your questions, Sire, are deep and hard.