This, though extravagant without fancy, is not the worst part of the absurd humour which runs through this pedantic comedy.

The classical reader may perhaps be amused by the following strange conceits.  Poeta, who was in love with Historia, capriciously falls in love with Astronomia, and thus compares his mistress:—­

    Her brow is like a brave heroic line
    That does a sacred majestie inshrine;
    Her nose, Phaleuciake-like, in comely sort,
    Ends in a Trochie, or a long and short. 
    Her mouth is like a pretty Dimeter;
    Her eie-brows like a little-longer Trimeter. 
    Her chinne is an adonicke, and her tongue
    Is an Hypermeter, somewhat too long. 
    Her eies I may compare them unto two
    Quick-turning dactyles, for their nimble view. 
    Her ribs like staues of Sapphicks doe descend
    Thither, which but to name were to offend. 
    Her arms like two Iambics raised on hie,
    Doe with her brow bear equal majestie;
    Her legs like two straight spondees keep apace
    Slow as two scazons, but with stately grace.

The piece concludes with a speech by Polites, who settles all the disputes and loves of the Arts.  Poeta promises for the future to attach himself to Historia.  Rhetorica, though she loves Logicus, yet as they do not mutually agree, she is united to Grammaticus.  Polites counsels Phlegmatico, who is Logicus’s man, to leave off smoking, and to learn better manners; and Choler, Grammaticus’s man, to bridle himself;—­that Ethicus and Oeconoma would vouchsafe to give good advice to Poeta and Historia;—­and Physica to her children Geographus and Astronomia! for Grammaticus and Rhetorica, he says, their tongues will always agree, and will not fall out; and for Geometres and Arithmetica, they will be very regular.  Melancholico, who is Poeta’s man, is left quite alone, and agrees to be married to Musica:  and at length Phantastes, by the entreaty of Poeta, becomes the servant of Melancholico, and Musica.  Physiognomus and Cheiromantes, who are in the character of gipsies and fortune-tellers, are finally exiled from the island of Fortunata, where lies the whole scene of the action in the residence of the Married Arts.

The pedant-comic-writer has even attended to the dresses of his characters, which are minutely given.  Thus Melancholico wears a black suit, a black hat, a black cloak, and black worked band, black gloves, and black shoes.  Sanguis, the servant of Medicus, is in a red suit; on the breast is a man with his nose bleeding; on the back, one letting blood in his arm; with a red hat and band, red stockings and red pumps.

It is recorded of this play, that the Oxford scholars resolving to give James I. a relish of their genius, requested leave to act this notable piece.  Honest Anthony Wood tells us, that it being too grave for the king, and too scholastic for the auditory, or, as some have said, the actors had taken too much wine, his majesty offered several times, after two acts, to withdraw.  He was prevailed to sit it out, in mere charity to the Oxford scholars.  The following humorous epigram was produced on the occasion:—­