My friend Mr. Hobson may, of course, have offended the animal in question, but even so I cannot see why I should have to put up with its horrible revenge; which brings me to the real and ultimate reason for troubling you, and that is, to ask you if you will be so good as to tell the cow to desist, and, in case of its refusal, to remove it to other quarters.  If the annoyance continues I cannot answer for the consequences.

Thanking you in anticipation,
I am, Yours faithfully,
ARTHUR K. WILKINSON.

The reply ran:—­

DEER SIR,—­i am not a scollard and can’t understand more’n ’alf your letter if you don’t lik my cow why not go back were you cum from i dunno what you mean by consequences but if you lay ’ands on my cow i’ll ’ave the lor of you.

Yours obedient HENRY GIBBS.

I felt that I hadn’t got off very well with Henry, and thought I would try again, so wrote:—­

DEAR MR. GIBBS,—­Thank you so much for your too delightful letter.  I am afraid you somewhat misapprehended the purport of mine.  I freely admit your right to turn all manner of beasts into your demesne; equally do I concede to them the right to play upon such instruments as Nature has handed out to them; but I also claim the right to be allowed to carry on my work undisturbed.  The consequences would be to me, not to the cow, unless laryngitis supervenes.  I love cows, and I greatly admire this particular cow, but not its moo; that is all.

Is it, do you suppose, uttering some Jeremiad or prophecy?  Can it, for example, be foretelling the doom of the middle classes?  Or is it possible that our noisy friend is uttering a protest against some injurious treatment received from its master?

I have discovered that our daily supply of milk is supplied by your herd, and on inquiry I find that our cook is not at all confident that a quart of the same as delivered to us would satisfy the requirements of the Imperial standard of measurement.

If the animal’s fog-horn continues I shall take it as an indignant protest against a slight that has been cast on its fertility, and shall seriously think of calling in the Food-Inspector to examine you in the table of liquid measure.

Delightful weather we have been experiencing, have we not?

Believe me as ever, dear Mr. Gibbs,
Yours most sincerely,
ARTHUR K. WILKINSON.

I do not know how much my correspondent understood of this letter, but, as the moo-cow was shortly afterwards relegated to fresh pastures, and as we are getting decidedly better measure for our milk money, I gather that he had enough intelligence for my purposes.

The threat which I thus put at a venture may be recommended to anyone suffering from the moo nuisance.

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[Illustration:  USES OF A TUBE NUISANCE.]

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“The serious loss to D’Annunzio recently of 300,000 lire, through the disappearance of his cashier, has had a happy sequel.  The airman-poet has received a like amount from a rich Milanese lady.  The donor remains incognito.”—­Evening Standard.

It was very clever of the lady to disguise herself as an unknown man.