But it was not for the purpose of providing you with tea and cakes that the Pump-room was founded.  Just as you may read in your morning paper that the Honourable Miss Muffet has proceeded to Harrogate to take the waters, so it is with Kew.  One goes to Kew to take the watercresses.  I have found out by exhaustive inquiries from one of the waitresses that, though you may substitute rolls and butter for bread and margarine, and may have marmalade with either or both, and though it is optional to eat even the cakes with yellow sugar upon them, there is no way of evading the watercresses.  There is a strong feeling amongst the waitresses that it is just these compulsory watercresses which have made us Englishmen what we are.  The whole vast pleasure-ground really centres round them, and the reason why Londoners flock (as the papers say) to Kew is that they are hungry for the medicinal virtues of this aquaceous plant.

After you have taken the watercresses you are allowed to wander about the Gardens again and look at QUEEN VICTORIA’S cottage, round which there is always an eager and admiring crowd examining it from every point of view and wondering what premium they would have to pay for it if it were on the market now.  And then you will want to go home and be unable to find the gate; but after a little time the Observator will observe you with his telescope from the top of the Pagoda and mention it to the Curator, who will direct a bronzed and amiable man in a blue uniform to lead you to the turnstile.

I am told that there are some people who do not care to sample their Spring at Kew or in the country either, but prefer to go to San Remo or spend Saturday afternoon toiling in their own back-garden.  Let them mind their peas, I say, while I go down to Kew.

EVOE.

* * * * *

THE CAUTIOUS AMORIST

(Showing the effect of official phraseology on love-letters.)

  Dearest Mary, this delay
  In the fixing of the day
  Drives all happiness away
        From my ken. 
  If you only will decide
  When you’ll be my blushing bride
  You will see me glorified—­
        If and when.

  They have promised me a rise
  When the senior partner dies;
  He is eighty and he lies
        Very ill;
  But until you seal your “Yes”
  By a notice in the Press
  I shall not feel safe—­unless
        And until.

* * * * *

“Bicycles of old-fashioned design acquired a new lease of life, and took to the road, where they were joined by pony traps in which father, mother and many children, all with crimped hair and white pinafores, were tightly packed.”—­Daily Paper.

Father, we are told, looked a perfect darling.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  THE RULING PASSION.