“Well, well,” she says, “men are not mothers!”

As you leave the chamber, you hear your mother-in-law consoling her daughter by these terrible words:  “Come, be calm, Caroline:  that’s the way with them all:  they are a selfish lot:  your father was just like that!”

THE ULTIMATUM.

It is eight o’clock; you make your appearance in the bedroom of your wife.  There is a brilliant light.  The chambermaid and the cook hover lightly about.  The furniture is covered with dresses and flowers tried on and laid aside.

The hair-dresser is there, an artist par excellence, a sovereign authority, at once nobody and everything.  You hear the other domestics going and coming:  orders are given and recalled, errands are well or ill performed.  The disorder is at its height.  This chamber is a studio from whence to issue a parlor Venus.

Your wife desires to be the fairest at the ball which you are to attend.  Is it still for your sake, or only for herself, or is it for somebody else?  Serious questions these.

The idea does not even occur to you.

You are squeezed, hampered, harnessed in your ball accoutrement:  you count your steps as you walk, you look around, you observe, you contemplate talking business on neutral ground with a stock-broker, a notary or a banker, to whom you would not like to give an advantage over you by calling at their house.

A singular fact which all have probably observed, but the causes of which can hardly be determined, is the peculiar repugnance which men dressed and ready to go to a party have for discussions or to answer questions.  At the moment of starting, there are few husbands who are not taciturn and profoundly absorbed in reflections which vary with their characters.  Those who reply give curt and peremptory answers.

But women, at this time, are exceedingly aggravating.  They consult you, they ask your advice upon the best way of concealing the stem of a rose, of giving a graceful fall to a bunch of briar, or a happy turn to a scarf.  As a neat English expression has it, “they fish for compliments,” and sometimes for better than compliments.

A boy just out of school would discern the motive concealed behind the willows of these pretexts:  but your wife is so well known to you, and you have so often playfully joked upon her moral and physical perfections, that you are harsh enough to give your opinion briefly and conscientiously:  you thus force Caroline to put that decisive question, so cruel to women, even those who have been married twenty years: 

“So I don’t suit you then?”

Drawn upon the true ground by this inquiry, you bestow upon her such little compliments as you can spare and which are, as it were, the small change, the sous, the liards of your purse.

“The best gown you ever wore!” “I never saw you so well dressed.”  “Blue, pink, yellow, cherry [take your pick], becomes you charmingly.”  “Your head-dress is quite original.”  “As you go in, every one will admire you.”  “You will not only be the prettiest, but the best dressed.”  “They’ll all be mad not to have your taste.”  “Beauty is a natural gift:  taste is like intelligence, a thing that we may be proud of.”