up in despair before the sixty seconds had elapsed.
When my mind was most lucid there was a distinct duplex
action in regard to the duration of time. I would
think to myself, “It has been so long since
a certain event!”—an hour, for example,
since the doctor was summoned—but Reason
would say, “No, it has been only a few minutes:
your thoughts and feelings are caused by the hasheesh.”
Nevertheless, I was not able to shake off, even for
a moment, this sense of the almost indefinite prolongation
of time. Gradually the periods of unconsciousness
became longer and more frequent, and the oppressive
feeling of impending death more intense. It was
like a horrible nightmare: each successive paroxysm
was felt to be the longest I had suffered. As
I came out of it a voice seemed constantly saying,
“You are getting worse; your paroxysms are growing
longer and deeper; they will overmaster you; you will
die.” A sense of personal antagonism between
my will-power and myself, as affected by the drug,
grew very strong. I felt as though my only chance
was to struggle against these paroxysms—that
I must constantly arouse myself by an effort of will;
and that effort was made with infinite toil and pain.
It seemed to me as if some evil spirit had the control
of the whole of me except the will, and was in determined
conflict with that, the last citadel of my being.
Once or twice during a paroxysm I felt myself mounting
upward, expanding, dilating, dissolving into the wide
confines of space, overwhelmed by a horrible, unutterable
despair. Then by a tremendous effort I seemed
to break loose and to start up with the shuddering
thought, “Next time you will not be able to throw
this off; and what then?” The sense of double
consciousness which I had to some extent is often,
under the action of hasheesh, much more distinct.
I have known patients to whom it seemed that they
themselves sitting upon the chair were in continual
conversation with a second self standing in front
of them. The explanation of this curious condition
is a difficult one. It is possible that the two
sides of the brain, which are accustomed in health
to work as one organ, are disjoined by the poison,
so that one half of the brain thinks and acts in opposition
to the other half.
From what has already been said it is plain that memory
is entirely distinct from consciousness, and that
it is in a certain sense automatic, or at least an
attribute of all nerve-centres. If this be so,
it would seem probable, a priori, that other
intellectual acts are also distinct from consciousness.
For present purposes the activities of the cerebrum
may be divided into the emotional and the more strictly-speaking
intellectual acts. A little thought will, I think,
convince any of my readers that emotions are as purely
automatic as the movements of the frog’s hind
leg. The Irishman who said that he was really
a brave man, although he had a cowardly pair of legs
which always ran away with him, was far from speaking