“All this doesn’t seem to get us much further,” she complained, “in deciding which of those houses we’re going to take.”

“Oh, doesn’t it?” I said, and, sitting down, I wrote a few lines rapidly and handed her the draft for approval.  She approved.

And that is why, if you look at The Times’ “Domestic Situations” column to-morrow, you may see the following announcement:—­

House-PARLOURMAID wanted, helpless couple, where gramophone kept; state whether Hampstead, Chiswick or Shepherd’s Bush preferred.

EVOE.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  Another Turkish concession.

Turkey (anxious to save the Peace Conference from embarrassment).  “EUROPE!  WITH ALL THY FAULTS I LOVE THEE STILL.  IF THOU INSISTEST, I AM PREPARED TO STAY WITH THEE, BAG AND BAGGAGE.”]

* * * * *

[Illustration:  “OH, YES, MADAM, BRITANNIA WILL SUIT YOU ADMIRABLY.  AND WHAT ABOUT THE GENTLEMAN?”

“OH, HE’S GOING IN HIS DINNER-JACKET, REPRESENTING ONE OF THE SMALLER NATIONS.”]

* * * * *

OUR INVINCIBLE NAVY.

ORDEAL BY WATER.

When the innermost recesses of the Admiralty archives yield their secrets to the historian there will be some strange and stirring events to relate.  But however diligently the chroniclers may search amongst the accumulated records at Whitehall there will still remain one outstanding performance, one shining example of courage and endurance of which no trace can there be found; for it was never officially known how Reginald McTaggart upheld the honour of the White Ensign in the Gulf of Lyons.

Reginald does not in the ordinary way suffer from excess of modesty; indeed he has been known to hint that on more than one occasion it was primarily due to his efforts that the world was eventually made safe for democracy; but of this his greatest exploit he will never speak without pressure, and even then but diffidently.

When WILLIAM HOHENZOLLERN first cried “Havoc” and let slip the Prussian Guard, Reginald was among the most unsophisticated of landsmen.  He had never in his life so much as heard a bo’sun’s pipe and could scarcely distinguish a battleship from a bathing-machine.  But the blood of a maritime ancestry ran hot in his veins, and, being too highly educated to get on in the Army, he placed himself at the disposal of the Senior Service, which embraced him gladly.  Henceforth his career was one of unbroken triumph.

Having taken a First in Mechanical Sciences at Cambridge, Reginald was at once detailed off for deck-swabbing on a Portsmouth depot ship; but one day an enterprising Rear-Admiral of the younger school, noting his scientific manner of manipulating a squeegee, had him sent before the Flag Captain, who, on learning his antecedents, recommended the blushing Reginald for the post of batman to the Senior Wireless Officer.  Here his talents showed to such advantage that in a little over a year he received a commission as technical officer, and was placed in charge of an experimental Torpedo School, well away from the storms and tempests that vexed his less gifted brothers.