“To the Honorable the Senators and Representatives of the United States in Congress assembled.

“GENTLEMEN:—­You are in the right way:  you reject abstract theories; abundance, cheapness, concerns you little.  You are entirely occupied with the interest of the producer, whom you are anxious to free from foreign competition.  In a word, you wish to secure the national market to national labor.

“We come now to offer you an admirable opportunity for the application of your—­what shall we say? your theory? no, nothing is more deceiving than theory—­your doctrine? your system? your principle?  But you do not like doctrines; you hold systems in horror; and, as for principles, you declare that there are no such things in political economy.  We will say, then, your practice; your practice without theory, and without principle.

“We are subjected to the intolerable competition of a FOREIGN RIVAL, who enjoys, it would seem, such superior facilities for the production of light, that he is enabled to inundate our national market at so exceedingly reduced a price, that, the moment he makes his appearance, he draws off all custom from us; and thus an important branch of American industry, with all its innumerable ramifications, is suddenly reduced to a state of complete stagnation.  This rival, who is no other than the sun, carries on so bitter a war against us, that we have every reason to believe that he has been excited to this course by our perfidious cousins, the Britishers. (Good diplomacy this, for the present time!) In this belief we are confirmed by the fact that in all his transactions with their befogged island, he is much more moderate and careful than with us.

“Our petition is, that it would please your Honorable Body to pass a law whereby shall be directed the shutting up of all windows, dormers, sky-lights, shutters, curtains—­in a word, all openings, holes, chinks, and fissures through which the light of the sun is used to penetrate into our dwellings, to the prejudice of the profitable manufactures which we flatter ourselves we have been enabled to bestow upon the country; which country cannot, therefore, without ingratitude, leave us now to struggle unprotected through so unequal a contest.

“We pray your Honorable Body not to mistake our petition for a satire, nor to repulse us without at least hearing the reasons which we have to advance in its favor.

“And first, if, by shutting out as much as possible all access to natural light, you thus create the necessity for artificial light, is there in the United States an industrial pursuit which will not, through some connection with this important object, be benefited by it?

“If more tallow be consumed, there will arise a necessity for an increase of cattle and sheep.  Thus artificial meadows must be in greater demand; and meat, wool, leather, and above all, manure, this basis of agricultural riches, must become more abundant.