At first a great load seemed rolled away from us; we rejoiced in the prospect of life again.  But soon there prevailed a feeling of condemnation, as though we had sold our Master.  And that first day was one of the bitterest I ever experienced.  It was a time of stern conflict of soul.  The voice that seemed to say, “Follow me,” as I sought guidance the night before, kept pleading with me, convincing of sin, till I knew of a truth my feet had strayed from His path.  The Scriptures, which the day before I could scarcely open without finding words of strength and comfort, seemed closed against me, till after a severe struggle alone in the wood to which I had retired, I consented to give up and retrace my steps in faith.  But it was too late.  L.M.M. wishing to make a fair, honest trial, we were brought here—­P.D. being already here unwell.  We feel we are erring; but scarce anything is required of us and we wait to hear from Friends.

Of these days of going down into sin, I wish to make little mention.  I would that my record of such degradation be brief.  We wish to come to an understanding with our friends and the Society before we move, but it does not seem that we can repress the upheavings of Truth in our hearts.  We are bruised by sin.

It is with pleasure I record we have just waited upon the Colonel with an explanation of our distress of mind, requesting him to proceed with court-martial.  We were kindly and tenderly received.  “If you want a trial I can give it to you,” he answered.  The brigade has just marched out to join with the division for inspection.  After that we are to have attention to our case.

P.M.  There is particular cause for congratulation in the consideration that we took this step this morning, when now we receive a letter from H.D. charging us to faithfulness.

When lately I have seen dear L.M.M. in the thoroughness and patience of his trial to perform service in hospital, his uneasiness and the intensity of his struggle as manifested by his silence and disposition to avoid the company of his friends, and seen him fail and declare to us, “I cannot stay here,” I have received a new proof, and to me a strong one, because it is from the experimental knowledge of an honest man, that no Friend, who is really such, desiring to keep himself clear of complicity with this system of war and to bear a perfect testimony against it, can lawfully perform service in the hospitals of the Army in lieu of bearing arms.

10th mo., 3d.—­Today dawned fair and our Camp is dry again.  I was asked to clean the gun I brought, and declining, was tied some two hours upon the ground.