All Phelim’s accomplishments, however, were nothing when compared to his gallantry.  With personal disadvantages which would condemn any other man to old bachelorship, he was nevertheless the whiteheaded boy among the girls.  He himself was conscious of this, and made his attacks upon their hearts indiscriminately.  If he met an unmarried female only for five minutes, be she old or ugly, young or handsome, he devoted at least four minutes and three-quarters to the tender passion; made love to her with an earnestness that would deceive a saint; backed all his protestations with a superfluity of round oaths; and drew such a picture of her beauty as might suit the Houries of Mahomet’s paradise.

Phelim and his father were great associates.  No two agreed better.  They went to fairs and markets together; got drunk together; and returned home with their arms about each other’s neck in the most loving and affectionate manner.  Larry, as if Phelim were too modest to speak for himself, seldom met a young girl without laying siege to her for the son.  He descanted upon his good qualities, glossed over his defects, and drew deeply upon invention in his behalf.  Sheelah, on the other hand, was an eloquent advocate for him.  She had her eye upon half a dozen of the village girls, to every one of whom she found something to say in Phelim’s favor.

But it is time the action of our story should commence.  When Phelim had reached his twenty-fifth year, the father thought it was high time for him to marry.  The good man had, of course, his own motives for this.  In the first place, Phelim, with all his gallantry and cleverness, had never contributed a shilling, either toward his own support or that of the family.  In the second place, he was never likely to do so.  In the third place, the father found him a bad companion; for, in good truth, he had corrupted the good man’s morals so evidently, that his character was now little better than that of his son.  In the fourth place, he never thought of Phelim, that he did not see a gallows in the distance; and matrimony, he thought, might save him from hanging, as one poison neutralizes another.  In the fifth place, the half-acre Was but a shabby patch to meet the exigencies of the family, since Phelim grew up.  “Bouncing Phelim,” as he was called for more reasons than one, had the gift of a good digestion, along with his other accomplishments; and with such energy was it exercised, that the “half-acre” was frequently in hazard of leaving the family altogether.  The father, therefore, felt quite willing, if Phelim married, to leave him the inheritance, and seek a new settlement for himself.  Or, if Phelim preferred leaving him, he agreed to give him one-half of it, together with an equal division of all his earthly goods; to wit—­two goats, of which Phelim was to get one; six hens and a cock, of which Phelim was to get three hens, and the chance of a toss-up for the cock; four stools, of which Phelim was to