From nineteen until the close of his minority, Phelim became a distinguished man in fairs and markets.  He was, in fact, the hero of the parish; but, unfortunately, he seldom knew on the morning of the fair-day the name of the party or faction on whose side he was to fight.  This was merely a matter of priority; for whoever happened to give him the first treat uniformly secured him.  The reason of this pliability on his part was, that Phelim being every person’s friend, by his good nature, was nobody’s foe, except for the day.  He fought for fun and for whiskey.  When he happened to drub some companion or acquaintance on the opposite side, he was ever ready to express his regret at the circumstance, and abused, them heartily for not having treated him first.

Phelim was also a great Ribbonman; and from the time he became initiated into the system, his eyes were wonderfully opened to the oppressions of the country.  Sessions, decrees, and warrants he looked upon as I gross abuses; assizes, too, by which so many of his friends were put to some inconvenience, he considered as the result of Protestant Ascendancy—­cancers that ought to be cut out of the constitution.  Bailiffs, drivers, tithe-proctors, tax-gatherers, policemen, and parsons, he thought were vermin that ought to be compelled to emigrate to a much warmer country than Ireland.

There was no such hand in the county as Phelim at an alibi.  Just give him the outline—­a few leading particulars of the fact—­and he would work wonders.  One would think, indeed, that he had been born for that especial purpose; for, as he was never known to utter a syllable of truth but once, when he had a design in not being believed, so there was no risk of a lawyer getting truth out of him.  No man was ever afflicted with such convenient maladies as Phelim; even his sprains, tooth-aches, and colics seemed to have entered into the Whiteboy system.  But, indeed, the very diseases in Ireland are seditious.  Many a time has a tooth-ache come in to aid Paddy in obstructing the course of justice; and a colic been guilty of misprision of treason.  Irish deaths, too, are very disloyal, and frequently at variance with the laws:  nor are our births much better; for although more legitimate than those of our English neighbors, yet they are in general more illegal.  Phelim, in proving his alibis, proved all these positions.  On one occasion, “he slep at the prisoner’s house, and couldn’t close his eye with a thief of a tooth-ache that parsecuted him the whole night;” so, that in consequence of having the tooth-ache, it was impossible that the prisoner could leave the house without his knowledge.

Again, the prisoner at the bar could not possibly have shot the deceased, “bekase Mickey slept that very night at Phelim’s, an’ Phelim, bein’ ill o’ the colic, never slep at all durin’ the whole night; an’, by the vartue of his oath, the poor boy couldn’t go out o’ the house unknownst to him.  If he had, Phelim would a seen him, sure.”