males, of course, invalids—but, as we have
said, there were a good number of the surrounding
gentry, their wives and daughters, so that the fete
was expected to come off with great eclat. Topertoe
was dressed, as was then the custom, in full canonical
costume, with, his silk cassock and bands, for he
was a doctor of divinity; and Manifold was habited
in the usual dress of the day—his falling
collar exhibiting a neck whose thickness took away
all surprise as to his tendency to apoplexy. The
lengthy figure of the unsubstantial Pythagorean was
cased in linen garments, almost snow-white, through
which his anatomy might be read as distinctly as if
his living skeleton was naked before them. Mrs.
Rosebud was blooming and expanded into full flower,
whilst Miss Rosebud was just in that interesting state
when the leaves are apparently in the act of bursting
out and bestowing their beauty and fragrance on the
gratified senses of the beholder. Dr. Doolittle,
who was a regular wag—indeed too much so
ever to succeed in his profession—entered
the room with his three-cocked hat under his arm,
and the usual gold-headed cane in his hand; and, after
saluting the company, looked about after Manifold,
his patient. He saluted the Pythagorean, and complimented
him upon his philosophy, and the healthful habits
engendered by a vegetable diet, and so primitive a
linen dress—a dress, he said, which, in
addition to its other advantages, ought to be generally
adopted, if only for the sake of its capacity for
showing off the symmetry of the figure. He was
himself a warm admirer of the principle, and begged
to have the honor of shaking hands with the gentleman
who had the courage to carry it out against all the
prejudices of a besotted world. He accordingly
seized the philosopher’s hand, which was then
in a desperately rheumatic state, as the little scoundrel
well knew, and gave it such a squeeze of respect and
admiration that the Pythagorean emitted a yell which
astonished and alarmed the whole room.
“Death and torture, sir—why did you
squeeze my rheumatic hand in such a manner?”
“Pardon me, Mr. Cooke—respect and
admiration for your principles.”
“Well, sir, I will thank you to express what
you may feel in plain language, but not in such damnable
squeezes as that.”
“Pardon me, again, sir; I was ignorant that
the rheumatism was in your hand; you know I am not
your physician; perhaps if I were you could bear a
friendly shake of it without all that agony. I
very much regret the pain I unconsciously, and from
motives of the highest respect, have put you to.”
“It is gone—do not mention it,”
said the benevolent philosopher. “Perhaps
I may try your skill some of these days.”
“I assure you, sir,” said Doolittle, “that
I am forcing Mr. Manifold here to avail himself of
your system—a simple vegetable diet.”
“O Lord!” exclaimed Manifold, in a soliloquy—for
he was perfectly unconscious of what was going on—“toast
and water, toast and water! That and a season
of famine—what a prospect is before me!
Doolittle is a rat, and I will hire somebody to give
him ratsbane. Nothing but a vegetable diet, and
be hanged to him! What’s ratsbane an ounce?”