“Klaim No.  II. is as follows:  A’m very unpopilar with the people, which is a great thing in itself, as a’ think no man ought to be risen to the bench that’s not unpopilar; because, when popilar, he’s likely to feavor them, and symperthize with them—­wherein his first duty is always to konsider them in the rong.  Nether am a’ popilar with the gentry and magistrates of the kountry, because they despise me, and say that a’m this, that and tother; that a’m mean and tyrannical; that a’ changed my name from pride, and that a’m overbearing and ignorant.  Now this last charge of ignorance brings me to Klaim No.  III.

“Be it nown to you, then, Sir Tomas, that a’ received a chollege eddycation, which is an anser in full to the play of ignorance.  In fact, a’ devoted meself to eddycation till my very brain began to go round like a whurli-gig; and many people say, that a’ never rekovered the proper use of it since.  Hundres will tell you that they would shed their blood upon the truth of it; but let any one that thinks so transact bisness with me, or bekome a tenint of mine, and he’ll find that a’ can make him bleed in proving the reverse.

“A’ could prove many other klaims equally strong, but a’ hope it’s not necessary to seduce any more.  A’ do think, if the Lord Chanceseller knew of my qualifications, a’ wouldn’t be long off the bench.  If, then, Sir Tomas, you, who have so much influence, would write on my behalf, and rekomend me to the custus rascalorum as a proper kandi-date, I could not fail to sukceed in reaching the great point of my ambition, which is, to be accommodated with a seat—­anything would satisfy me—­even a close-stool—­upon the magisterial bench.  Amen, Sir Tomas.

“And have the honer to be,

“Your obedient and much obliged, and very thankful servant for what a’ got, as well as for what a’ expect, Sir Tomas,

“Periwinkle Crackenfudge.”

Sir Thomas—­having perused this precious document, which, by the way, contains no single fact that could not be substantiated by the clearest testimony, so little are they at head-quarters acquainted with the pranks that are played off on the unfortunate people by multitudes of petty tyrants in remote districts of the country—­Sir Thomas, we say, having perused the aforesaid document, grinned—­almost laughed—­with a satirical enjoyment of its contents.

“Very good,” said he; “excellent:  confound me, but Crackenfudge must get to the bench, if it were only for the novelty of the thing.  I will this moment recommend him to Lord Cullamore, who is custos rotulorum for the county, and who would as soon, by the way, cut his right hand off as recommend him to the Chancellor, if he knew the extent of his ‘klaims,’ as the miserable devil spells it.  Yes, I will recommend him, if it were only to vex my brother baronet, Sir James B-----, who is humane, and kind, and popular, forsooth, and a staunch advocate for purity of the bench, and justice to the people!  No doubt of it; I shall recommend you, Crackenfudge, and cheek by jowl with the best among them, upon the same magistorial bench, shall the doughty Crackenfudge sit.”