Suddenly a thought began to shape itself in my mind, a thought of perfect and irresistible joy.

“Yes,” I said, “I remember now.  We were afraid, both of us, and you told me to leap down.  But what was it that I saw, and what was it that was told me?  I cannot recall it.  Oh,” I said at last, “I know now; it comes back to me.  I fell, in hideous cowardice and misery.  The wind blew shrill.  I saw the cliffs stream past; then I was unconscious, I think.  I seem to have died; but part of me was not dead.  My flight was stayed, and I floated out somewhere.  I was joined to something that was like both fire and water in one.  I was seen and known and understood and loved, perfectly and unutterably and for ever.  But there was pain, somewhere, Amroth!  How was that?  I am sure there was pain.”

“Of course, dear child,” said Amroth, “there was pain, because there was everything.”

“But,” I said, “I cannot understand yet; why was that terrible leap demanded of me?  And why did I confront it with such abject cowardice and dismay?  Surely one need not go stumbling and cowed into the presence of God?”

“There is no other way,” said Amroth; “you do not understand how terrible perfect love is.  It is because it is perfect that it is terrible.  Our own imperfect love has some weakness in it.  It is mixed with pleasure, and then it is not a sacrifice; one gives as much of oneself as one chooses; one is known just so far as one wishes to be known.  But here with God there must be no concealment—­though even there a man can withhold his heart from God—­God never uses compulsion; and the will can prevail even against Him.  But the reason of the leap that must be taken is this:  it is the last surrender, and it cannot be made on our terms and conditions; it must be absolute.  And what I feared for you was not anything that would happen if you did commit yourself to God, but what would happen if you did not; for, of course, you could have resisted, and then you would have had to begin again.”

I was silent for a little, and then I said:  “I remember now more clearly, but did I really see Him?  It seems so absolutely simple.  Nothing happened.  I just became one with the heart and life of the world; I came home at last.  Yet how am I here?  How is it I was not merged in light and life?”

“Ah,” said Amroth, “it is the new birth.  You can never be the same again.  But you are not yet lost in Him.  The time for that is not yet.  It is a mystery; but as yet God works outward, radiates energy and force and love; the time will come when all will draw inward again, and be merged in Him.  But the world is as yet in its dawning.  The rising sun scatters light and heat, and the hot and silent noon is yet to come; then the shadows move eastward, and after that comes the waning sunset and the evening light, and last of all the huge and starlit peace of the night.”

“But,” I said, “if this is really so, if I have been gathered close to God’s heart, why is it that instead of feeling stronger, I only feel weak and unstrung?  I have indeed an inner sense of peace and happiness, but I have no will or purpose of my own that I can discern.”