III

THE HYPOTHESES OF FAILURE

Lawyer Gooch bestowed his undivided attention upon the engrossing arts of his profession.  But one flight of fancy did he allow his mind to entertain.  He was fond of likening his suite of office rooms to the bottom of a ship.  The rooms were three in number, with a door opening from one to another.  These doors could also be closed.

“Ships,” Lawyer Gooch would say, “are constructed for safety, with separate, water-tight compartments in their bottoms.  If one compartment springs a leak it fills with water; but the good ship goes on unhurt.  Were it not for the separating bulkheads one leak would sink the vessel.  Now it often happens that while I am occupied with clients, other clients with conflicting interests call.  With the assistance of Archibald—­an office boy with a future—­I cause the dangerous influx to be diverted into separate compartments, while I sound with my legal plummet the depth of each.  If necessary, they may be baled into the hallway and permitted to escape by way of the stairs, which we may term the lee scuppers.  Thus the good ship of business is kept afloat; whereas if the element that supports her were allowed to mingle freely in her hold we might be swamped—­ha, ha, ha!”

The law is dry.  Good jokes are few.  Surely it might be permitted Lawyer Gooch to mitigate the bore of briefs, the tedium of torts and the prosiness of processes with even so light a levy upon the good property of humour.

Lawyer Gooch’s practice leaned largely to the settlement of marital infelicities.  Did matrimony languish through complications, he mediated, soothed and arbitrated.  Did it suffer from implications, he readjusted, defended and championed.  Did it arrive at the extremity of duplications, he always got light sentences for his clients.

But not always was Lawyer Gooch the keen, armed, wily belligerent, ready with his two-edged sword to lop off the shackles of Hymen.  He had been known to build up instead of demolishing, to reunite instead of severing, to lead erring and foolish ones back into the fold instead of scattering the flock.  Often had he by his eloquent and moving appeals sent husband and wife, weeping, back into each other’s arms.  Frequently he had coached childhood so successfully that, at the psychological moment (and at a given signal) the plaintive pipe of “Papa, won’t you tum home adain to me and muvver?” had won the day and upheld the pillars of a tottering home.

Unprejudiced persons admitted that Lawyer Gooch received as big fees from these reyoked clients as would have been paid him had the cases been contested in court.  Prejudiced ones intimated that his fees were doubled, because the penitent couples always came back later for the divorce, anyhow.

There came a season in June when the legal ship of Lawyer Gooch (to borrow his own figure) was nearly becalmed.  The divorce mill grinds slowly in June.  It is the month of Cupid and Hymen.