Now there ought to be several things that a man could do at home to relieve the tedium of his existence while the family is away.  Once you get accustomed to the sound of your footsteps on the floors and reach a state of self-control where you don’t break down and sob every time you run into a toy which has been left standing around, there are lots of ways of keeping yourself amused in an empty house.

You can set the victrola going and dance.  You may never have had an opportunity to get off by yourself and practice those new steps without someone’s coming suddenly into the room and making you look foolish.  (That’s one big advantage about being absolutely alone in a house.  You can’t look foolish, no matter what you do.  You may be foolish, but no one except you and your God knows about it and God probably has a great deal too much to do to go around telling people how foolish you were).  So roll back the rugs and put on “Kalua” and, holding out one arm in as fancy a manner as you wish, slip the other daintily about the waist of an imaginary partner and step out.  You’d be surprised to see how graceful you are.  Pretty soon you will get confidence to try a few tricks.  A very nice one is to stop in the middle of a step, point the left toe delicately twice in time to the music, dip, and whirl.  It makes no difference if you fall on the whirl.  Who cares?  And when you are through dancing you can go out to the faucet and get yourself a drink—­provided the water hasn’t been turned off.

Lots of fun may also be had by going out into the kitchen and making things with whatever is left in the pantry.  There will probably be plenty of salt and nutmegs, with boxes of cooking soda, tapioca, corn-starch and maybe, if you are lucky, an old bottle of olives.  Get out a cook-book and choose something that looks nice in the picture.  In place of the ingredients which you do not have, substitute those which you do, thus:  nutmegs for eggs, tapioca for truffles, corn-starch and water for milk, and so forth and so forth.  Then go in and set the table according to the instructions in the cook-book for a Washington’s Birthday party, light the candles, and with one of them set fire to the house.

There is probably a night-train for Anybunkport which you can catch while the place is still burning.

* * * * *

To those male readers whose families are away for the summer: 

Tear the above story out along dotted line and mail it to the folks, writing in pencil across the top “This guy has struck it about right.”  Then drop around tonight at seven-thirty to Eddie’s apartment.  Joe Reddish, John Liftwich, Harry Thibault and three others will be there and the limit will be fifty cents.  Game will absolutely break up at one-thirty.  No fooling.  One-thirty and not a minute longer.

XI

“ROLL YOUR OWN”