“Well, well, well, what have we here?  A lot of bad little boys and girls who aren’t going to get any Christmas presents this year? (Nervous laughter from the little boys and girls).  Let me see, let me see!  I have a note here from Dr. Whidden.  Let’s see what it says. (Reads from a paper on which there is obviously nothing written).  ’If you and the young people of the Intermediate Department will come into the Christian Endeavor room, I think we may have a little surprise for you ...’  Well, well, well!  What do you suppose it can be? (Cries of “I know, I know!” from sophisticated ones in the audience).  Maybe it is a bottle of castor-oil! (Raucous jeers from the little boys and elaborately simulated disgust on the part of the little girls.) Well, anyway, suppose we go out and see?  Now if Miss Liftnagle will oblige us with a little march on the piano, we will all form in single file—­”

At this point there will ensue a stampede toward the Christian Endeavor room, in which chairs will be broken, decorations demolished, and the protesting Mr. Creamer badly hurt.

This will bring to a close the first part of the entertainment.

VI

HOW TO WATCH A CHESS-MATCH

Second in the list of games which it is necessary for every sportsman to know how to watch comes chess.  If you don’t know how to watch chess, the chances are that you will never have any connection with the game whatsoever.  You would not, by any chance, be playing it yourself.

I know some very nice people that play chess, mind you, and I wouldn’t have thought that I was in any way spoofing at the game.  I would sooner spoof at the people who engineered the Panama Canal or who are drawing up plans for the vehicular tunnel under the Hudson River.  I am no man to make light of chess and its adherents, although they might very well make light of me.  In fact, they have.

But what I say is, that taking society by and large, man and boy, the chances are that chess would be the Farmer-Labor Party among the contestants for sporting honors.

Now, since it is settled that you probably will not want to play chess, unless you should be laid up with a bad knee-pan or something, it follows that, if you want to know anything about the sport at all, you will have to watch it from the side-lines.  That is what this series of lessons aims to teach you to do, (of course, if you are going to be nasty and say that you don’t want even to watch it, why all this time has been, wasted on my part as well as on yours).

HOW TO FIND A GAME TO WATCH

The first problem confronting the chess spectator is to find some people who are playing.  The bigger the city, the harder it is to find anyone indulging in chess.  In a small town you can usually go straight to Wilbur Tatnuck’s General Store, and be fairly sure of finding a quiet game in progress over behind the stove and the crate of pilot-biscuit, but as you draw away from the mitten district you find the sporting instinct of the population cropping out in other lines and chess becoming more and more restricted to the sheltered corners of Y.M.C.A. club-rooms and exclusive social organizations.