Like most busy idlers (that is not intended for a joke)—­I go racing a bit, and of course “have a bit on” like other people, and having tried all the turf-prophets in turn, with unsatisfactory results, I was delighted to hear from a friend that “a new DANIEL had come to judgment” in the person of a tipster on Punch, who was “wonderful good”—­(it was just the time when she did blunder on to a winner)—­and I made up my mind to follow the new Prophet DANIEL; but, by Jove! it resulted in a loss, and DANIEL landed me among the lions in no time!  These are not jokes, but sober facts—­I plunged heavily on all the “Selections,” and am now in the pleasant position of owing the Ring a substantial sum in addition to “the old,” through following My Wife’s advice—­whilst her banking-account is considerably augmented through having laid against her own tips!  This may be humorous, but as i said, I don’t approve of humour when exercised on myself!

I laughed most consumedly at some of her articles, but on looking them over again—­(she has kept the lot, pasted in a book—­a monument to my fatuity!)—­I don’t think so much of them now I know she wrote them, and see that I could have made numberless valuable suggestions had she only seen fit to consult me!  Of course I could stop any further contribution on her part, but consideration for your readers (?) prevents that—­to say nothing of her determination to continue—­so I have therefore consented to her odd whim, on the condition that in future I “edit” her contributions;—­I need hardly assure you that I shall confine my “editing” strictly to these limits, and that your own Editor need be under no apprehension as to my usurping his place,—­ably as I should, no doubt, fill it!

My Wife begs me to follow her example, and conclude with a verse—­(I don’t know where she picked up such a bad habit)—­but—­while bowing to her wishes—­(I am always polite)—­to a certain extent, I absolutely decline to make the verse other than blank!

  Believe me, Yours obediently,
    CHARLES POMPERSON (Bart.).

JOURNALISTIC SELECTION.

  I must confess that if compelled
    To write for any Journal,
  I should prefer as a matter of choice
    To write for Punch!

[On a slip of paper found in Sir CHARLES’s envelope, we have the following from our valued contributress—­[ED.]:—­“DEAR MR. PUNCH,—­I am too upset to write—­you shall hear from me next week.  Tours as devotedly as ever,—­LADY GAY.”]

* * * * *

ANECDOTAGE.—­Mr. Punch one day was reading aloud from a book of anecdotes when Mr. WEEDON GROSSMITH was present.  “What rot!” observed the representative of Lord Arthur Pomeroy.  And Mr. Punch agreed with him.

* * * * *

PHANTASMA-GORE-IA.

PICTURING THE VARIOUS MODES OF MELODRAMATIC MURDER. (BY OUR “OFF-HIS"-HEAD POET.)