“It looks to me much like foreign spirits,” said the man.

“Do you wish to open me further and see?” inquired the Secretary.

Then the man waded into the Secretary’s other trunks, two-stepped over his negligee shirts, waltzed through his waist-coats and did a polka amidst the ruins of his dress suit.

“What is the verdict?” said the Secretary after the battle was over.

“Not guilty, but you might be,” said the man, smiling briefly.

As the Secretary walked out the Stars and Stripes seemed to bow politely at him and whisper with a voice slightly sarcastic:  “You for the seat away back!”

“Some day,” said the Secretary, “I will jump into politics so far that my trunk will always be a dark secret to the Custom Housers!”

And he did it.

From the life of the Secretary we learn the lesson that there is much Liberty in this country, but, incidentally, there are a couple of bald spots where it is missing.

If you don’t believe me come home from Europe some day by way of the
Custom House.

[Illustration:  “D—­Sometimes an old fool gets away with a good thing.”]

Do you know that a wise man can sometimes be a fool and get away with it?

Don’t go among doers if you don’t want to be did.

Duty calls and finds most men holding nothing but a four-flush.

Don’t try to be a stinger if you don’t want to get stung.

* * * * *

### D:  The letter of the alphabet which always runs fourth. ###

* * * * *

DAISY.  A twin sister to a peach.  See Dream.

DAM.  A species of floodgates.  By adding the letter “n” the floodgates are loosened.

DAMSEL.  See Daisy.

DARLING.  See your best girl.

DAFFY.  See a doctor.

[Illustration]

DAWN.  The cold, gray period immediately following a red-hot night.

DELUDE.  To take your wife by the hand and lead her away from the truth.

[Illustration]

DELUSION.  Something which every man likes to hug—­especially if she’s pretty.

DESTINY.  Something which laughs at those who never say die.

DESCRIBE.  To give an account of.  For instance, one woman giving a description of another woman’s wearing apparel—­oh, fudge!

DOGS OF WAR.  Animals that live on bones of contention.

DRUNKARDS.  The monuments which whiskey erects all along the road to ruin.

DUST. The material from which man is made and that is the reason why woman sweeps all before her.

[Illustration:  “E—­And when she marries her fourth husband its a great deal.”]

Everybody knows that money talks, but nobody notices what kind of grammar it uses.

Evil be to him who evil drinketh.

Every woman loves an ideal man until she marries him—­then it’s a new deal.