APPLE DUMPLINGS.—­Take a large sheet of blotting paper and remove the ink.  Ink is a non-conductor and discolors the palate.  Borrow an apple from the grocer and tie it up in the blotting paper.  The blotting paper will absorb the flavor from the apple in about three minutes.  Now take the apple back to the grocer and say, “Much obliged, thank you!” Cut the blotting paper into thin slices and add water.  Stir gently until it boils over then unhook it.  Serve hot and if your husband kicks say to him bitterly:  “You should have married an heiress with a Papa in the Food Trust then you could afford to have real apples!”

IMITATION ROAST TURKEY.—­Find a copy of a Thanksgiving Day newspaper and select therefrom the fattest turkey on page 3.  Now with a few kind words coax the turkey away from the newspaper in the direction of the kitchen.  Care should be taken that the turkey does not escape in the butler’s pantry or fly up the dumb waiter, because the turkey is a very nervous animal.  Once you get the turkey in the kitchen lock the door and prepare the stuffing.  The best stuffing for a turkey is chestnuts, which you can obtain by tearing a few pages from “The Life and Anecdotes of an After Dinner Speaker.”  Now remove the wishbone carelessly and make a wish.  Then coax the turkey over to the gas stove and push it in.  Let it sizzle for four hours and serve hot by a Russian waiter and with Japanese napkins.

MOCK CELERY.—­Take an old whiskbroom and remove the handle.  If the handle is made of wood keep it, because it can be turned into breakfast food the first time you see a sawmill.  Now remove the wire from the whiskbroom and sprinkle with baking soda.  Serve cold with a pinch of salt on the northwestern end.

MOCK CLAMS.—­Take a rubber shoe and slice carefully.  Add a dash of tobasco and stir gently.  When the shoe occupies the same shape as a dozen rubber-neck clams serve with vanilla wafers and horseradish.

THE FINISH.