BEEF TEA.—­Take the white of an egg and beat it without mercy.  When it is insensible put it in the teapot and add enough boiling water to drown it.  Let it drown about twenty minutes.  Then lead the yolk of the egg over to the teapot and push it in.  Season with a small pinch of tobasco and let it simper.  Serve hot and always be sure to put a piece of lemon in the finger bowl.

MOCK BEEFSTEAK.—­Carefully remove the laces from one shoe and put them away, because they can be used for shoe-string potatoes just as soon as the Potato Trust gets started.  Beat the shoe with a hammer for ten minutes until its tongue stops wagging and it gets black and blue in the face.  Then put it in the frying pan and stir gently.  When it begins to sizzle add the yolk of an egg and season with parsley.  Imitation parsley can be made from green wall paper with the scissors.  If there is no green wall paper in the house speak to the landlord about it.  Let it simper.  In two hours try it with a fork.  If it breaks the fork it is not done.  Let it simper.  Should you wish to smother it with onions, now is your chance, because after cooking so long it is almost helpless.  Serve hot with a hatchet on the side.  If there are more than four people in the family use both shoes.

IRISH STEW.—­Remove the jacket and waistcoat from a potato and put it in a saucepan.  Add three quarts of boiling water.  Get a map of Ireland and hang it on the wall directly in front of the saucepan.  This will furnish the local color for the stew.  Let it boil two hours.  When the potato begins to moult it is a sign the stew is getting done.  Walk easy so as not to frighten it.  Add a pinch of rhubarb and serve hot with lettuce dressing.  This is one of the best stews without meat that the Food Trust has ever invented for the poor man.

MOCK PORK PIE.—­Peel the bark carefully away from the hindquarters of a spruce tree and remove the tenderloin.  One of last year’s Christmas trees is excellent for the purpose.  Chop it up fine and place in a saucepan.  Add boiling water and let it simper two hours.  Season with a pinch of salt, and if this is not satisfactory, you might also pinch a little pepper.  Put the bark in the coffee grinder and turn the handle rapidly to the left.  Add boiling water and serve with milk and sugar.  This will be a splendid joke on the Coffee Trust.  The mock pork pie is now done.  Serve with lionaise dressing and tomato catsup.  After dinner eat four pepsin tablets and send for the doctor.

IMITATION APPLE FRITTERS.—­First catch your fritter.  Be sure that it is a young fritter.  The way to tell the age of a fritter is to count its teeth.  Remove the shell and add a pitcher of apple sauce.  Place this in a saucepan and tease it with a pinch of baking soda.  Let it simper two hours.  Serve hot and smile rapidly while eating.  Laughter always aids digestion.