UNDERTAKER.  A man who gets the laugh on those who take life as a joke.

[Illustration:  “V—­Ideas Expressed.”]

Vanity is the raw material from which hot air is manufactured.

Victors get the spoils, but the spoils generally spoil the victors.

Very true is it that the man without ideas always expresses them.

Valuable time is often wasted by men of little value.

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 V:  The twenty-second letter of the alphabet, used as a pet name for
    a five-dollar bill.
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VACATION.  The time of the year which a young man looks forward to with his hand on his heart; goes through with his hand on his pocketbook, and looks back on with both hands on his head and no skin on his nose.

VACANT.  The top story of a snob.

[Illustration]

VANITY.  The name of the machinery that makes our swelled heads.

VERSATILITY.  The ability of a woman to wear a tight shoe and a loose smile at the same time.

VICE VERSA.  To sleep with one’s head at the foot of the bed and one’s feet at the head of the bed.  See Jag and Soused.

VIRTUE.  Its own reward, but many people don’t care to handle such a small amount.

VULGARIANS.  People who go through the world like a lot of automobiles, with rubberneck tires and gasoline in their garrets, and noise, noise, noise.

[Illustration:  “W—­Smile, please!”]

When a man is his own worst enemy the fight is always to a finish.

Whiskey is the name of the photographer that can make a high-priced man look like 30 cents.

When a man sits around waiting for something to turn up Fortune always turns him down.

When a man is anxious to keep your secret keep him anxious.

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 W:  The twenty-third letter of the alphabet, which wasn’t treated very
    well in the matter of a name.
###

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WAD.  A roll of bills with a rubber band around it.  This is a wonderful weapon in the hands of a steady spender.

WAR.  An excuse for talking about the dove of peace.

[Illustration]

WEALTH.  To have money enough to support an automobile that goes the pace that kills.

WEATHER MAN.  A machine disguised as a human being who tries to play tiddlewinks with the weather.  He tells the weather what to do, and the weather does as it pleases.  A machine which says, “Cooler to-morrow, with westerly winds,” but means something different.  The idea comes from the Latin words “Guessa Gain,” which mean, “I am paid to tell the truth, but I don’t need the money.”

WHISKEY.  Old Mother Misery’s dare-devil son.

WORRY.  A lot of unwelcome thoughts which refuse to remain unthinkable.