HEALTH.  The ability to eat meat for breakfast without having to rush to the drugstore.

HEAT.  A scheme invented by Nature for the purpose of sending human beings to the seashore, the mountains and the hospital.  It is from the Latin words “Gee Whizzibus Aintit Fierceibus?”—­which means much or little, according to the size of the hotel you stop at.

HERO.  A person whom we all delight to honor because the facts in the case prevent us from throwing the hammer at him.  A man who goes into history and cannot get out again.

HIGHBALL.  A drink in the hand which is worth two headache powders in the drugstore.

HOG.  A man who thinks everybody should move over and give him the end seat.

HONESTY.  The best policy after they catch you trying the others.  The excuse that a politician always has up his sleeve.

HOPE.  A firm belief in to-morrow with the ability to take gracefully a transfer to the day after to-morrow.

HORSE-SHOW.  A place where the women show the horse that he has no show.  Society’s parade grounds, where one dress is as good as another until the price is known.

[Illustration]

HUSBAND.  A domestic animal, invented for the purpose of giving a wife something to worry about.  See Fourflush.  Also look in the discard.

HUMIDITY.  Something which comes in through the window and goes out through the pores.  A warm proposition any way you take it.  A brother-in-law to Torture and a half-sister to Hades.

The word comes from the Swedish language, “Sockett Toodem,” which means “Melt, you Spitzbuben, melt!”

HYPOCRITE.  A knocker which is out of order except when your back is turned.

[Illustration:  “I—­When two people quarrel and smile at the same time, the third person can go for the separation papers.”]

It is a wise son that owes his own father.

It takes a lot of money to teach a Duke how to love an American heiress.

If we could see ourselves as others see us many of us would wear a mask.

It takes three people to engineer a quarrel—­two to make it and one to run for a policeman.

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###
 I:  The ninth letter of the alphabet.  Used principally by touchers in
    connection with O and U. Thus, I. O. U.
###

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ICE.  A substance the world uses to put a damper on swelled heads.

IGNORANCE.  A lack of knowledge.  For instance:  The man who never heard of a microbe sometimes has the colic, but he never gets appendicitis.  (Milton, page 7.)

IMPOSSIBILITY.  A stuttering man trying to make a bluff.

[Illustration]

INCONGRUITY.  A man who prays with such noise in Sunday School that he sprains his voice and then goes home and beats his child for talking too loud on the Sabbath day.