I was interpolated in between a fat man who spoke with an onion accent and a narrow-headed man who whistled softly to himself all the evening without taking 32 bars rest.

My enjoyment under these circumstances was delicious.

The story of the Opera was simple.

A lot of young ladies all ready to go in bathing changed their minds and came out on the stage.

Then a tall gentleman came out and warbled at them and the young ladies went away.

Perhaps he belonged to the crusaders on vice.

Then the lady that drew the largest salary came out and made goo-goo eyes at the tall gentleman.

He was so embarrassed that he walked right down to the footlights and took a couple of high notes.

She took the same.

Then four people came out on the stage and yelled together with so much earnestness that the women in the boxes had an attack of nervous exclamation, and the way they talked about whoever was not present was pitiful.

When you would least expect it the hero jumped on the stage and made some quick motions with his face and arms which resulted in a solo.

The story he told was simplicity itself.

Plainer than words could make it his beautifully imported voice kept saying “Aha! aha-eo!  I-am-getting-one
-thousand-dollars-a-night—­tra-la-la-la!-aha!-aha-eo!  For-doing-this,—­for-doing-this-with-the-pipes-I-g
et-one-thousand-plunks-oh-plunks-per-night-aha!-aha-eo!”

Then the soprano responded with much emotion from the orchestra, “Ditto, ditto, ditto! me too, me too! oo-oo-me too!”

It was delicious.

But just then came the bitter moment when all my deliciousness was crushed because the narrow-headed man on my left switched softly into “Hiawatha” with a few personal additions to the coda.

So I stood up and went home.

[Illustration:  “H—­It takes a real hero to laugh with an empty stomach.”]

He laughs best who laughs with a full stomach.

How many people in this world are being coaxed when it’s a club they need!

Here are two things any man can find in the dark—­a carpet tack and a limburger sandwich.

“Handsome is as handsome does them”—­the motto of the bunco steerer.

* * * * *

###
 H:  The eighth letter of the alphabet, which is all broken up because
    Englishmen have dropped it so often. (Get ap!)
###

* * * * *

HA!  An exclamation of surprise used in connection with other dark blue words when you step on a tack.

HA, HA!  Something the world tries to give you on the slightest provocation.

[Illustration]

HAIR.  The fur that pays a temporary visit to a man’s head for the purpose of falling out later on.

HARD JOB.  Trying to live without working.

HARD WORK.  The sugar of life, but it is surprising how many people prefer lemons.