Mrs. Mellon did not wish to offend her new cook.

“John,” she said to the manservant, “can you find out without asking the cook whether the tinned salmon was all eaten last night?  You see, I don’t wish to ask her, because she may have eaten it, and then she would feel uncomfortable,” added the good soul.

“If you please, ma’am,” replied the man, “the new cook has eaten the tinned salmon, and if you was to say anything to her you couldn’t make her feel any more uncomfortable than she is.”

IS THIS TACT?

An officer on board a warship was drilling his men.

“I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air, and move them as if he were riding a bicycle,” he explained.  “Now commence.”

After a short effort one of the men stopped.

“Why have you stopped, Murphy?” asked the officer.

“If ye plaze, sir,” was the answer, “Oi’m coasting.”

WARNED IN TWENTY YEARS

Several Scotchmen were discussing the domestic unhappiness of a mutual friend.

“Aye,” said one, “Jock McDonald has a sair time wi’ that wife o’ his.  They do say they’re aye quarrelin’.”

“It serve’ him richt,” said another feelingly.  “The puir feckless creature marrit after coortin’ only eight year.  Man, indeed, he had nae chance to ken the wumman in sic a short time.  When I was coortin’ I was coortin’ twenty year.”

“And how did it turn out?” inquired a stranger in the party.

“I tell ye, I was coortin’ twenty year, an’ in that time I kenned what wumman was, an’ so I didna marry.”

BEGINNING EARLY

Jack disliked being kissed, and, being a handsome little chap, sometimes had a good deal to put up with.  One day he had been kissed a lot.  Then, to make matters worse, on going to the picture palace in the evening, instead of his favorite cowboy and Indian pictures, there was nothing but a lot more hugging and kissing.

He returned home completely out of patience with the whole tribe of women.

After he had tucked into bed mother came in to kiss him good-night.

He refused to be kissed.

Mother begged and begged, till in disgust he turned to his father, who was standing at the doorway looking on, and said: 

“Daddy, for the love of Heaven, give this woman a kiss!”

DISCERNING

“Daisy,” remarked the teacher, “don’t love your cat too much.  What would you do if it died—­you wouldn’t see it again?”

“Oh, yes; I should see it in heaven.”

“No, dear, you’re mistaken; animals cannot go to heaven like people.”

Daisy’s eyes filled with tears, but suddenly she exclaimed triumphantly: 

“Animals do go to heaven, for the Bible says the Promised Land is flowing with milk and honey, and, if there are no animals, where do they get the milk?”