“Stranger in the town, sir?” the barber asked.

“Yes, I am,” Ian Hay replied.  “Anything going on here to-night?”

“There’s a war lecture by an English fighter named Hay,” said the barber; “but if you go you’ll have to stand, for every seat in the hall is sold out.”

“Well, now,” said Ian Hay, “isn’t that provoking?  It’s always my luck to have to stand when that chap Hay lectures.”

CAMOUFLAGE

After a “push” some of the lads of the Northumberland Fusiliers who entered one of the captured villages set about making things comfortable for themselves.  Seeing a large wooden box some distance away, they made tracks to commandeer it On the way back an officer met them and queried: 

“Here, lads, where are you going with that?”

“This old egg-box, sir—­we’re taking it along to our dug-out, sir,” one of them explained.

“Egg-box be hanged!” retorted the officer.

“Why, that’s the general’s roll-top desk!”

HAPPY ENDING WANTED

A charming, auburn-haired nurse tells the story.  She bent over the bed of one badly wounded man and asked him if he would like anything to read.  The soldier fixed a humorous eye on her and said, “Miss, can you get me a nice novel?  I’d like one about a golden-haired girl and a wounded soldier with a happy ending.”  After this the pretty nurse looks down contemptuously on civilian compliments.

A SKEPTIC

A colored Baptist was exhorting.  “Now, breddern and sistern, come up to de altar and have yo’ sins washed away.”

All came up but one man.

“Why, Brudder Jones, don’t yo’ want yo’ sins washed away?”

“I done had my sins washed away.”

“Yo’ has?  Where yo’ had yo’ sins washed away?”

“Ober at de Methodist church.”

“Ah, Brudder Jones, yo’ ain’t been washed, yo’ jes’ been dry cleaned.”

A PERSON OF DISCERNMENT

A Quaker had got himself into trouble with the authorities, and a constable called to escort him to the lock-up.

“Is your husband in?” he inquired of the good wife who came to the door.

“My husband will see thee,” she replied.  “Come in.”

The officer entered, was bidden to make himself at home, and was hospitably entertained for half an hour, but no husband appeared.  At last he grew impatient.

“Look here,” said he, “I thought you said your husband would see me.”

“He has seen thee,” was the calm reply, “but he did not like thy look, and so he’s gone another way.”

AN OLD HAND

After two months at Rockford Private Nelson got his leave at last, and made what he conceived to be the best use of his holiday by getting married.