“And what,” he asked, having spent a whole afternoon changing the goldfishes’ water, “shall I do now, sir?”

The naturalist ran his fingers through his locks.

“Well, Robert,” he replied at length, “I think you might now take the tortoise out for a run.”

PLAYING SAFE

A lady recently selecting a hat at a milliner’s asked, cautiously: 

“Is there anything about these feathers that might bring me into trouble with the Bird Protection Society?”

“Oh, no, madam,” said the milliner.

“But did they not belong to some bird?” persisted the lady.

“Well, madam,” returned the milliner, pleasantly, “these feathers are the feathers of a howl; and the howl, you know, madam, seein’ as ’ow fond he is of mice, is more of a cat than a bird.”

WORDS FAILED HER

The budding authoress had purchased a typewriter, and one morning the agent called and asked: 

“How do you like your new typewriter, madam?”

“It’s wonderful!” was the enthusiastic reply.  “I wonder how I ever done my writing without it.”

“Would you mind,” asked the agent, “giving me a little testimonial to that effect?”

“Certainly not,” she responded.  “I’ll do it gladly.”

Seating herself at the machine, she pounded out the following: 

Aafteb Using thee Automatid Backactiom atype write, er for thre emonth %an d Over.  I unhesittattingly pronoun ce it tobe al ad more than th e Manufacturss claim! for it.  Durinb the tim e been in myy possessio n $i thre month it had more th an paid paid for itse*f in thee saVing off tim e anD laborr?

ONE WAY OUT

One of the congregation of a church not far from Boston approached her pastor with the complaint that she was greatly disturbed by the unmelodious singing of one of her neighbors.

“It’s positively unbearable!” she said.  “That man in the pew in front of us spoils the service for me.  His voice is harsh and he has no idea of a tune.  Can’t you ask him to change his pew?”

The good pastor was sorely perplexed.  After a few moments’ reflection, he said, “Well, I naturally would feel a little delicacy on that score, especially as I should have to tell him why I asked it.  But I’ll tell you what I might do.”  Here his face became illuminated by a happy thought.  “I might ask him to join the choir.”

HOW WAR BEGAN

There have been a great many explanations for war, but the following appears to have its special merits: 

The world was supplied with an original producer; namely, Woman.

Woman produced babies.

The babies grew up and produced tradespeople.

The tradespeople produced goods with which to supply the woman.