GUIDE

Our boys in France need little guidance to become on good terms with the French girls.  The following hints at conversation have therefore been made as simple as possible: 

  Bong swah, mad-mwa-zell!  Vou zay tray beautiful. 
  Kesker say votr name? 
  Zhe swee Edward Jones. 
  Vooley voo take a walk? 
  Eecy ate oon fine place to sit down. 
  Bokoo moon to-night, nace paw? 
  Avay voo ever studied palmistry? 
  Donney mwa votr hand. 
  Votr hand ay tray soft! 
  Dahn lay Zaytah Unee are bokoo girls, may voo zay more beautiful
    than any of them. 
  Chay mwa zhe nay pah seen a girl that could touch voo! 
  Voo zay oon peach! 
  Le coleur de votr yer ay tray beautiful. 
  Votr dress ay bokoo dress. 
  Donney mwa oon kiss? 
  Zhe voo zame!

APPREHENDING THE KAISER

Early in the war the Kaiser was haled before a Virginia court.  At least that was the intention of Charles L. Zoll, justice of the peace of Broad Run district, Loudoun County, who delivered into the hands of the Sheriff this warrant: 

   Commonwealth of Virginia, County of Loudoun, to wit: 

   To the Sheriff of the said county: 

Wheras, Woodrow Wilson has this day made oath before me, a justice of said court, that William Hohan Zollern, alias Wilhelm, has at various times and places between July, 1914, and November, 1917, committed murder, assault, and arson upon the bodies of various people and sundry properties, against the peace and dignity of the Government of the United States, the State of Virginia and Broad Run district in particular.

These are therefore in the name of the Commonwealth of Virginia and the Government of the United States to command you to forthwith apprehend the said William Hohan Zollern, alias Kaiser Wilhelm, and bring his body before me at my office in Aushburn, Va., to answer said charges, and there and then be dealt with according to law.

And by the power vested in me I hereby extend your jurisdiction to the Continent of Europe and I do by these presents declare the said William Hohan Zollern, alias Kaiser Wilhelm, to be an outlaw, and offer as a reward for his apprehension three barrels of corn, five bushels of potatoes and meat of ham, said ham to weigh not less than twenty-one pounds nor more than thirty-five pounds.

And you are moreover required to summon Marshal Joffre, Albert, King of the Belgians; Victor Emanuel of Italy and George V to appear at same time and place as witnesses in behalf of the Commonwealth touching the matter said complaint.

   Given under my hand and seal this 28th day of November, 1917.

   CHARLES L. ZOLL, Justice of the Peace.

JUSTICE TO T. R.