If you don’t fight, you’re yellow; if you do, you’re a brute.

If you save your money, you’re a grouch; if you spend it, you’re a loafer; if you get it, you’re a grafter, and if you don’t get it, you’re a bum.

So what’s the use?

HIGH FINANCE

Even certain professors, who are supposed to be immune from commercial inducements are sometimes financially overcautious.  A party of tourists were watching Professor X as he exhumed the wrapt body of an ancient Egyptian.

“Judging from the utensils about him,” remarked the professor, “this mummy must have been an Egyptian plumber.”

“Wouldn’t it be interesting,” said a romantic young lady, “if we could bring him to life?”

“Interesting, but a bit risky,” returned Professor X.  “Somebody might have to pay him for his time.”

MATRIMONIAL PROFUNDITY

A young planter in Mississippi had an old servant called Uncle Mose, who had cared for him as a child and whose devotion had never waned.  The young man became engaged to a girl of the neighborhood who had a reputation for unusual beauty and also for a very violent temper.  Noticing that Uncle Mose never mentioned his approaching marriage, the planter said: 

“Mose, you know I am going to marry Miss Currier?”

“Yassuh, I knows it.”

“I haven’t heard you say anything about it,” persisted the planter.

“No, suh,” said Mose.  “Tain’t fo’ me to say nothin’ ’bout it.  I’s got nothin’ to say.”

“But you must have some opinion about so important a step on my part.”

“Well, suh,” said the old negro with some hesitation, “yo’ knows one thing—­the most p’izonest snakes has got the most prettiest skins.”

THE NEW REGIME

The new change in social conditions to be brought about by the war is illustrated in the following advertisements taken from Life: 

SITUATIONS WANTED

Husband and wife would like position as gardener and cook, or will do anything. 23 years in last place as czar and czarina.  Salary not so important as permanent place in quiet, peaceful atmosphere.  Address Romanoff, this paper.

Employers, giving up royalty, would like to secure position for their king.  Steady, experienced, thoroughly broken to crown and sceptre.  Distance no objection.  Will go anywhere.  Small salary to start.  Constantine, 49 Greece, in rear. (Ring Sophy’s bell.)

Young Monarch, 28 years old, 4 years as king in last place, would accept like position in small, tranquil country, Latin preferred.  No objection to South America.  Light, rangy and stylish, very fast, and thoroughly broken to bombs and revolutions.  Manuel J. Portugal, London.