SENSITIVE

Here is a story of a London “nut” who had mounted guard for the first time: 

The colonel had just given him a wigging because of the state of his equipment.  A little later the colonel passed his post.  The nut did not salute.  The indignant colonel turned and passed again.  The nut ignored him.

“Why in the qualified blazes don’t you salute?” the colonel roared.

“Ah,” said the nut, softly, “I fawncied you were vexed with me.”

NO USE FOR IT

Pat walked into the post-office.  After getting into the telephone-box he called a wrong number.  As there was no such number, the switch-attendant did not answer him.  Pat shouted again, but received no answer.

The lady of the post-office opened the door and told him to shout a little louder, which he did, but still no answer.

Again she said he would have to speak louder.  Pat got angry at this, and, turning to the lady, said: 

“Begorra, if I could shout any louder I wouldn’t use your bloomin’ ould telephone at all!”

EFFECTIVE

Some people are always optimists: 

“Beanborough,” said a friend of that gentleman, “always looks on the bright side of things.”

“Why?”

“Well, the other day I went with him to buy a pair of shoes.  He didn’t try them on at the store, and when he got home he found that a nail was sticking right up through the heel of one.”

“Did he take them back?”

“Not much.  He said that he supposed the nail was put there intentionally to keep the foot from sliding forward in the shoe.”

GERMAN ARITHMETIC

1 German equals 10 unkultured foreigners.

2 soldiers equal 10 civilians.

3 officers equal 12 privates.

4 treaties equal 8 scraps of paper.

5 poisoned wells equal 1 strategic retreat.

6 iron crosses equal 1 ruined cathedral.

7 Zeppelin raids equal 7 demonstrations of frightfulness.

8 eggs equal 8 hearty meals (common people).

9 eggs equal 1 appetizer (aristocracy).

10 deported Belgians equal 10 unmarked graves.

11 torpedoed neutrals equal 11 disavowals.

12 Gotts equal 1 Kaiser.

A DIFFICULT PASSAGE

“I thought you were preaching, Uncle Bob,” said the Colonel, to whom the elderly Negro had applied for a job.

“Yessah, Ah wuz,” replied Uncle; “but Ah guess Ah ain’t smaht enough to expound de Scriptures.  Ah almost stahved to deff tryin’ to explain de true meanin’ uv de line what says ‘De Gospel am free,’ Dem fool niggahs thought dat it meant dat Ah wuzn’t to git no salary.”

WHERE VERMONT SCORED