“Lucky bounder!” said Samuel, sighing.  “My wife can tell a lie the minute I get it out of my mouth!”

WORSE!

The worried countenance of the bridegroom disturbed the best man.  Tiptoeing up the aisle, he whispered: 

“What’s the matter, Jock?  Hae ye lost the ring?”

“No,” blurted out the unhappy Jock, “the ring’s safe eno’.  But, mon, I’ve lost ma enthusiasm.”

THE TEUTON WAY

A story illustrative of the changes in methods of warfare comes from a soldier in France who took a German officer prisoner.  The soldier said to the officer:  “Give up your sword!” But the officer shook his head and answered:  “I have no sword to give up.  But won’t my vitriol spray, my oil projector, or my gas cylinder do as well?”

APPRECIATION

It was just after a rainstorm and two men were walking down the street behind a young woman who was holding her skirt rather high.  After an argument as to the merits of the case, one of the men stepped forward and said:  “Pardon, me, miss, but aren’t you holding your skirt rather high?”

“Haven’t I a perfect right?” she snapped.

“You certainly have, Miss, and a peach of a left,” he replied.

ALLEGRO

“That’sallFergusonI’llringifIwantyouagain.”

“YessirthankyousirshallIsayyouareoutifanyonecallssi
r?”

“TellthemIamoutofthecityandFerguson.”

“Yessir?”

“Havetheautoreadyforanearlyruninthemorning. 
HavealargebunchoforchidsinthevaseFerguson.”

“Yessiranythingelsesir?”

“NothingelseFerguson.”

Readeritisonlytheconversationinatalkingmovieshowtryingtok
eepupwiththepictures.

JUST ANSWERED

A soldier in the English Army wrote home:  “They put me in barracks; they took away my clothes and put me in khaki; they took away my name and made me ‘No. 575’; they took me to church, where I’d never been before, and they made me listen to a sermon for forty minutes.  Then the parson said:  ‘No. 575.  Art thou weary, art thou languid?’ and I got seven days in the guardhouse because I answered that I certainly was.”

TOO LONG A SHOT

A famous jockey was taken suddenly ill, and the trainer advised him to visit a doctor in the town.

“He’ll put you right in a jiffy,” he said.

The same evening he found Benjamin lying curled up in the stables, kicking his legs about in agony.

“Hello, Benny!  Haven’t you been to the doctor?”

“Yes.”

“Well, didn’t he do you any good?”

“I didn’t go in.  When I got to his house there was a brass plate on his door—­’Dr. Kurem.  Ten to one’—­I wasn’t going to monkey with a long shot like that!”