“The way the Germans insist on this defense talk of theirs, in season and out of season,” he went on, “reminds me of the colored preacher who always preached on infant baptism.

“A deputation waited on him one evening and asked him if he wouldn’t please drop infant baptism for a time.  He said he’d try to meet the deputation’s wishes and the following Sunday he announced as his text, ‘Adam, Where Art Thou?’

“This text, brethern and sistern,’ said the preacher, ’can be divided into fo’ heads.  Fust, every man is somewhar.  Second, most men is whar they hain’t got no business to be.  Third, you’d better watch out or that’s whar you’ll be yourself.  Fo’th, infant baptism.  And now, brethern and sistern, I guess we might as well pass up the first three heads and come immediately to the fo’th—­infant baptism.’”

PROBABLY RIGHT

Here is a story of the late Lord Haversham’s schooldays.  Glancing through his pocket-book, his mother saw a number of entries of small sums, ranging from 2s. 6d. to 5s., against which were the letters “P.G.”  Thinking this must mean the Propagation of the Gospel, she asked her son why he did not give a lump sum and a larger amount to so deserving a cause.

“That is not for the Propagation of the Gospel,” he replied.  “When I cannot remember exactly on what I spend the money I put ‘P.G.,’ which means ‘Probably grub.’”

UNRETURNED FAVORS

A Connecticut farmer was asked to assist at the funeral of his neighbor’s third wife and, as he had attended the funerals of the two others, his wife was surprised when he declined the invitation.  On being pressed to give his reason he said, with some hesitation: 

“You see, Mary, it makes a chap feel a bit awkward to be always accepting other folks’s civilities when he never has anything of the same sort of his own to ask them back to.”

THE PROPER SPIRIT

Here is a story our wounded boys have brought back from the front about Sir Douglas Haig.

Sir Douglas was, some few weeks ago, in a great hurry to get to a certain place.  He found his car, but the chauffeur was missing.  So Sir Douglas got in the car and drove off by himself.  Then the driver appeared and saw the car disappearing in the distance.

“Great Scot!” cried the driver, “there’s ’Aig a-driving my car!”

“Well, get even with him,” said a Tommy, standing by, “and go and fight one of ’is battles for him.”

EXPERIENCED

A judge presiding over a court in Washington, D.C., was administering the oath to a boy of tender years, and to him put the following question: 

“Have you ever taken the oath?  Do you know how to swear, my boy?”

Whereupon the lad responded:  “Yes, sir.  I am your caddie at the Chevy Chase Club.”