A GET-RICH-QUICK SCHEME

Two young Irishmen in a Canadian regiment were going into the trenches for the first time, and their captain promised them five shillings each for every German they killed.

Pat lay down to rest, while Mick performed the duty of watching.  Pat had not lain long when he was awakened by Mick shouting: 

“They’re comin’!  They’re comin’!”

“Who’s comin’?” shouts Pat.

“The Germans,” replies Mick.

“How many are there?”

“About fifty thousand.”

“Begorra,” shouts Pat, jumping up and grabbing his rifle, “our fortune’s made!”

A FLATTERING EXPLANATION

A sturdy Scot, 6 feet 5 inches in height, is a gamekeeper near Strafford.  One hot day last summer he was accompanying a bumptious sportsman, of very small stature, when he was greatly troubled by gnats.  The other said to him: 

“My good man, why is it that the gnats do not trouble me?”

“I daresay,” replied the gamekeeper, with a comprehensive glance at the other’s small proportions, “it will be because they havna’ seen ye yet!”

DIDN’T SUIT HIM

Tim Casey, a juror, rose suddenly from his seat and hastened to the door of the courtroom.  He was prevented, however, from leaving the room, and was sternly questioned by the judge.

“Yes, your honor, I’ll explain meself,” said the juror.  “When Mr. Finn finished his talking me mind was clear all through, but whin Mr. Evans begins his talkin’ I becomes all confused an’ says I to meself, Taith, I’d better lave at once, an’ shtay away until he is done,’ because, your honor, to tell the truth, I didn’t like the way the argument was going.”

ON HER NERVES

The local pawnbroker’s shop was on fire, and among the crowd of spectators was an old woman who attracted much attention by her sobs and cries of despair.

“What is the matter with you?” a fireman said.  “You don’t own the shop, do you?”

“No,” she wailed, “but my old man’s suit is pawned there, and he don’t know it.”

CASH

We cannot deny that one of the great questions of the day among tradespeople is how to get their bills paid.  Neither can we deny that we have all been over-extravagant.  This little story (which is really a satire) contains its moral.

One bright morning Mr. Dobson, an American gentleman in excellent circumstances, and yet (quite singular to relate of any American gentleman!) constantly harried by his bills, conceived of a brilliant idea.  Thereupon he said to Mrs. Dobson: 

“My dear, let us pay cash for one day.”

“How absurd!”

“It may seem so, but you must admit that it is a brand-new idea, and therefore worth while for you, as a modern woman, to try.”