Revolting Mausoleistic Orgies.  Dancing on the Dead.  Devilish
Mutilation—­a Pile of Late Lamented Noses and Sainted Ears.  No
Separation of the Sexes; Petitions for Chaperons Unheeded.  ‘Veal’ as
Supplied to the Superintendent’s Employees.  A Miscreant’s Record from
His Birth.  Disgusting Subserviency of Our Contemporaries and Strong
Indications of Collusion.  Nameless Abnormalities.  ’Doubled Up Like a
Nut-Cracker.’  ‘Wasn’t Planted White.’  Horribly Significant Reduction in
the Price of Lard.  The Question of the Hour:  Whom Do You Fry Your
Doughnuts In?”

THE OCEAN WAVE

A SHIPWRECKOLLECTION

As I left the house she said I was a cruel old thing, and not a bit nice, and she hoped I never, never would come back.  So I shipped as mate on the Mudlark, bound from London to wherever the captain might think it expedient to sail.  It had not been thought advisable to hamper Captain Abersouth with orders, for when he could not have his own way, it had been observed, he would contrive in some ingenious way to make the voyage unprofitable.  The owners of the Mudlark had grown wise in their generation, and now let him do pretty much as he pleased, carrying such cargoes as he fancied to ports where the nicest women were.  On the voyage of which I write he had taken no cargo at all; he said it would only make the Mudlark heavy and slow.  To hear this mariner talk one would have supposed he did not know very much about commerce.

We had a few passengers—­not nearly so many as we had laid in basins and stewards for; for before coming off to the ship most of those who had bought tickets would inquire whither she was bound, and when not informed would go back to their hotels and send a bandit on board to remove their baggage.  But there were enough left to be rather troublesome.  They cultivated the rolling gait peculiar to sailors when drunk, and the upper deck was hardly wide enough for them to go from the forecastle to the binnacle to set their watches by the ship’s compass.  They were always petitioning Captain Abersouth to let the big anchor go, just to hear it plunge in the water, threatening in case of refusal to write to the newspapers.  A favorite amusement with them was to sit in the lee of the bulwarks, relating their experiences in former voyages—­voyages distinguished in every instance by two remarkable features, the frequency of unprecedented hurricanes and the entire immunity of the narrator from seasickness.  It was very interesting to see them sitting in a row telling these things, each man with a basin between his legs.

One day there arose a great storm.  The sea walked over the ship as if it had never seen a ship before and meant to enjoy it all it could.  The Mudlark labored very much—­far more, indeed, than the crew did; for these innocents had discovered in possession of one of their number a pair of leather-seated trousers, and would do nothing but sit and play cards for them; in a month from leaving port each sailor had owned them a dozen times.  They were so worn by being pushed over to the winner that there was little but the seat remaining, and that immortal part the captain finally kicked overboard—­not maliciously, nor in an unfriendly spirit, but because he had a habit of kicking the seats of trousers.