Humorous Masterpieces from American Literature eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 220 pages of information about Humorous Masterpieces from American Literature.

Humorous Masterpieces from American Literature eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 220 pages of information about Humorous Masterpieces from American Literature.

“There seemed to be so much practical wisdom in these views that we were all dazzled and half-convinced at the start.  So, when Hollins, turning towards me, as he continued, exclaimed,—­’Come, why should not this candor be adopted in our Arcadia?  Will any one—­will you, Enos—­commence at once by telling me now—­to my face—­my principal faults?’ I answered, after a moment’s reflection,—­’You have a great deal of intellectual arrogance, and you are, physically, very indolent.’

“He did not flinch from the self-invited test, though he looked a little surprised.

“‘Well put,’ said he, ’though I do not say that you are entirely correct.  Now, what are my merits?’

“‘You are clear-sighted,’ I answered, ’an earnest seeker after truth, and courageous in the avowal of your thoughts.’

“This restored the balance, and we soon began to confess our own private faults and weaknesses.  Though the confessions did not go very deep,—­no one betraying any thing we did not all know already,—­yet they were sufficient to strengthen Hollins in his new idea, and it was unanimously resolved that Candor should thenceforth be the main charm of our Arcadian life....

“The next day, Abel, who had resumed his researches after the True Food, came home to supper with a healthier color than I had before seen on his face.

“‘Do you know,’ said he, looking shyly at Hollins, ’that I begin to think Beer must be a natural beverage?  There was an auction in the village to-day, as I passed through, and I stopped at a cake-stand to get a glass of water, as it was very hot.  There was no water,—­only beer:  so I thought I would try a glass, simply as an experiment.  Really, the flavor was very agreeable.  And it occurred to me, on the way home, that all the elements contained in beer are vegetable.  Besides, fermentation is a natural process.  I think the question has never been properly tested before.’

“‘But the alcohol!’ exclaimed Hollins.

“’I could not distinguish any, either by taste or smell.  I know that chemical analysis is said to show it; but may not the alcohol be created, somehow, during the analysis?’

“‘Abel,’ said Hollins, in a fresh burst of candor, ’you will never be a Reformer, until you possess some of the commonest elements of knowledge.’

“The rest of us were much diverted:  it was a pleasant relief to our monotonous amiability.

“Abel, however, had a stubborn streak in his character.  The next day he sent Perkins Brown to Bridgeport for a dozen bottles of ‘Beer.’  Perkins, either intentionally or by mistake, (I always suspected the former,) brought pint-bottles of Scotch ale, which he placed in the coolest part of the cellar.  The evening happened to be exceedingly hot and sultry; and, as we were all fanning ourselves and talking languidly, Abel bethought him of his beer.  In his thirst, he drank the contents of the first bottle, almost at a single draught.

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Humorous Masterpieces from American Literature from Project Gutenberg. Public domain.