The Warder shows us some instrooments of tortur, such as thumbscrews, throat-collars, etc., statin that these was conkered from the Spanish Armady, and addin what a crooil peple the Spaniards was in them days—­which elissited from a bright-eyed little girl of about twelve summers the remark that she tho’t it was rich to talk about the crooilty of the Spaniards usin thumbscrews, when he was in a Tower where so many poor peple’s heads had been cut off.  This made the Warder stammer and turn red.

I was so pleased with the little girl’s brightness that I could have kissed the dear child, and I would if she’d been six years older.

I think my companions intended makin a day of it, for they all had sandwiches, sassiges, etc.  The sad-lookin man, who had wanted us to drop a tear afore we started to go round, fling’d such quantities of sassige into his mouth that I expected to see him choke hisself to death; he said to me, in the Beauchamp Tower, where the poor prisoners writ their onhappy names on the cold walls, “This is a sad sight.”

“It is indeed,” I anserd.  “You’re black in the face.  You shouldn’t eat sassige in public without some rehearsals beforehand.  You manage it orkwardly.”

“No,” he said, “I mean this sad room.”

Indeed, he was quite right.  Tho’ so long ago all these drefful things happened, I was very glad to git away from this gloomy room, and go where the rich and sparklin Crown Jewils is kept.  I was so pleased with the Queen’s Crown, that it occurd to me what a agree’ble surprise it would be to send a sim’lar one home to my wife; and I asked the Warder what was the vally of a good, well-constructed Crown like that.  He told me, but on cypherin up up with a pencil the amount of funs I have in the Jint Stock Bank, I conclooded I’d send her a genteel silver watch instid.

And so I left the Tower.  It is a solid and commandin edifis, but I deny that it is cheerful.  I bid it adoo without a pang.

I was droven to my hotel by the most melancholly driver of a four-wheeler that I ever saw.  He heaved a deep sigh as I gave him two shillings.

“I’ll give you six d.’s more,” I said, “if it hurts you so.”

“It isn’t that,” he said, with a hart-rendin groan, “it’s only a way I have.  My mind’s upset to-day.  I at one time tho’t I’d drive you into the Thames.  I’ve been readin all the daily papers to try and understand about Governor Eyre, and my mind is totterin.  It’s really wonderful I didn’t drive you into the Thames.”

I asked the onhappy man what his number was, so I could redily find him in case I should want him agin, and bad him good-bye.  And then I tho’t what a frollicsome day I’d made of it.  Respectably, etc.,

ARTEMUS WARD.

—­Punch,1866.

SCIENCE AND NATURAL HISTORY.

Mr. Punch My Dear Sir:—­I was a little disapinted at not receivin a invitation to jine in the meetins of the Social Science Congress....