In one week I made five mortal enemies by refusing to smile when their tormenting squibs were exploded in my eyes.  I felt like a rustic pony, who comes in his simple way into town on the Fourth of July, and has Chinese crackers and fiery serpents cast under his heels.  One evening, in particular, they asked me to play the game of Comparisons (a proverbially odious game, that could exist only in an effete and degenerate civilization), in which the entire company tried to see how Funny they could be; and because I made stupid answers, I was laughed at by the young ladies.

“I became disgusted with Yonkers, and returned to my intramural boarding-house in St. John’s Park.  The sidewalk near the house was in a dilapidated state, through the carelessness of the contractor, who had stipulated to pave it properly, but had not paved it at all, except with good intentions.  And therefore, as I came along, I first besmeared my boots with muck then tripped my toes against a pile of brick:  and finally fell headlong into the gutter.  As I rose up and denounced, in somewhat loud language, the idleness and inefficiency of the contractor who had the work in charge, the Funny Fellow stood before me, his eyes glaring with triumph.  He spoke in reply to my denunciations: 

“’ My dear Green, do not call the contractor lazy and inefficient.  I am sure that his is an energy that never FLAGS!’

“I rushed to the room where I am now sealed.  There is but one hope left me.

“In the Territory of Nebraska, far to the west thereof, lies a tract of land which the early French trappers, with shrewd fitness called the’ Mauvaises Terres.’  It is a region of rocks, petrifactions, and other pre-Adamite peculiarities.  In a paper written by Dr. Leid of Philadelphia, and published by the Smithsonian Institute, we are assured that there once lived in these bad lands, turtles six feet square, and alligators, compared with which the present squatter sovereigns of the territory are lovely and refined.  The fossil remains of these ancient inhabitants still encumber the earth of that region, and make it unpleasant to view with an agricultural eye; but here and there the general desolation is relieved by a fertile valley, with a running brook and green slopes.  White men, whisky, and Funny Fellows have not yet penetrated there.  I will go to this sanctuary.  A snug cabin will contain my necessary household—­to wit—­twelve shirts and a Bible.  I will plant my corn, and tobacco, and vines on the fertile slope that looks to the south; my cattle and sheep shall browse the rest of the valley, while a few agile goats shall stand in picturesque positions upon the rocky monsters described by Dr. Leidy.  My guests shall be the brave and wise red men who never try to make bad jokes.  I do not think they ever try to be Funny; but to make assurance doubly sure, I shall not learn their language, so that any melancholy attempts they may possibly make, will fall upon unappreciative ears.  By day I