XLVII
I see, I hear, I feel, I know,
I rue
My fate, my fame,
my pain, my loss, my fall,
Mishap, reproach,
disdain, a crown, her hue,
Cruel, still flying,
false, fair, funeral,
To cross, to shame, bewitch,
deceive, and kill
My first proceedings
in their flowing bloom.
My worthless pen
fast chained to my will,
My erring life
through an uncertain doom,
My thoughts that yet in lowliness
do mount,
My heart the subject
of her tyranny;
What now remains
but her severe account
Of murder’s
crying guilt, foul butchery!
She was unhappy in her cradle
breath,
That given was to be another’s
death.
XLVIII
“Murder! O murder!”
I can cry no longer.
“Murder!
O murder!” Is there none to aid me?
Life feeble is
in force, death is much stronger;
Then let me die
that shame may not upbraid me;
Nothing is left me now but
shame or death.
I fear she feareth
not foul murder’s guilt,
Nor do I fear
to lose a servile breath.
I know my blood
was given to be spilt.
What is this life but maze
of countless strays,
The enemy of true
felicity,
Fitly compared
to dreams, to flowers, to plays!
O life, no life
to me, but misery!
Of shame or death, if thou
must one,
Make choice of death and both
are gone.
XLIX
My cruel fortunes clouded
with a frown,
Lurk in the bosom
of eternal night;
My climbing thoughts
are basely hauled down;
My best devices
prove but after-sight.
Poor outcast of the world’s
exiled room,
I live in wilderness
of deep lament;
No hope reserved
me but a hopeless tomb,
When fruitless
life and fruitful woes are spent.
Shall Phoebus hinder little
stars to shine,
Or lofty cedar
mushrooms leave to grow?
Sure mighty men
at little ones repine,
The rich is to
the poor a common foe.
Fidessa, seeing how the world
doth go,
Joineth with fortune in my
overthrow.
L
When I the hooks of pleasure
first devoured,
Which undigested
threaten now to choke me,
Fortune on me
her golden graces showered;
O then delight
did to delight provoke me!
Delight, false instrument
of my decay,
Delight, the nothing
that doth all things move,
Made me first
wander from the perfect way,
And fast entangled
me in the snares of love.
Then my unhappy happiness
at first began,
Happy in that
I loved the fairest fair;
Unhappily despised,
a hapless man;
Thus joy did triumph,
triumph did despair.
My conquest is—which
shall the conquest gain?—
Fidessa, author both of joy
and pain!
LI