Naturally I wrote to Mr. Perkins:—­

“Dear Sir,—­I regret to inform you that the aspidistra has perished.  It never took kindly to us and started wilting on the second day.  As regards other objets d’art once in the drawing-room, but now seeking the seclusion of the box-room, we are in a little difficulty.  Before letting it go my wife took the bearing of the marble how-now from the bamboo what-not and made it 28 deg. 20’, quite forgetting, unfortunately, that the what-not had also decided to lie fallow for a season.  Consequently, while the direction of the what-not-how-now line is definitely fixed, their actual positions remain unestablished.  Is it too much to hope that when the time comes for them to seek again the purer air of the drawing-room they will be able to rely upon the guidance of an old friend like yourself rather than upon that of two comparative strangers?

Yours anxiously.”

III.

Sometimes I wonder what Mr. Perkins would say if I suggested paying half-rent during the winter.

Sometimes Celia wonders what she will say if she finds that Mrs. Winkle has re-arranged all her furniture for her.

“We might,” said Celia, looking at the two letters, “send the Perkins one to Mrs. Winkle and the Winkle one to Mr. Perkins.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Just to show how broad-minded we are,” said Celia.

A.A.M.

* * * * *

Economy.

Seen in a Birmingham shop window: 

“Second & furniture.”

* * * * *

[Illustration:  A bad dream.

Spectre.  “Well, if you don’t like the look of me, eat less bread.”]

* * * * *

On the spy-Trail.

Jimmy says he thought there must he something the matter with Jones minimus, he was so gloomy.

He actually told Jimmy that he wished he was in heaven.  Jimmy had to tell him not to say such wicked things, because sometimes when you wished things like that they came true, and then where would Jones minimus be?

Jimmy says it takes a lot to make Jones minimus gloomy, but it turned out that he had lost the War Loan; he had either lost or mislaid it, he told Jimmy.

It was on a card, and Jones minimus only wanted another shilling to make 15s. 6d., and then in five years they gave you one pound, and it was because of the compound interest someone invented.

Jimmy says as they were talking the milkman came up and asked if they had seen his pig.  The milkman is always losing his pig.  Jimmy says it wanders off for a walk nearly every day talking to itself and going into gardens and relishing things.  It is a very good relisher, Jimmy says.