The Missis sits upon the barge the same’s she used to sit,
  But they’ll ’ave ‘er in the papers now for doin’ of her bit;
  An’ I walk upon the tow-path ’ere as proud as anything—­
  If I ’aven’t got no uniform I’m serving of the KING.

  An’ it’s “Gee-hup, Mabel,” an’ we’ll do the best we’re able,
    For the country’s been an’ called us, an’ we’ve got to ’elp to
          win;
  An’ when the War is over, oh, we’ll all lie down in clover,
    With a drink all together at the “Navigation Inn.”

C.F.S.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  OUR MIXED ARMY.

First Recruit. “’ERE—­TELL OLD BALD-’EAD TO BUNG THE SALT OVER.”

Second Recruit.  “ER—­MIGHT I TROUBLE YOU FOR THE SALT, SIR?”]

* * * * *

THE OPEN DOOR.

Mr. Punch has thought that some of his hospitable readers might be glad to have the opportunity of giving the welcome of their houses, in however simple a way, to Australian soldiers on leave, who would greatly appreciate the chance of seeing something of English home life.  An “Invitation Bureau” has been opened at the “Anzac” Buffet, 94, Victoria Street, where offers of entertainment should be addressed.

* * * * *

“The Military Representative appealed against the exemption of William Blake, aged 35, unmarried, a slaughterman in the employment of Mr. George Rigg, pork butcher.  The Military Representative suggested that Mr. Rigg should slaughter himself.  Mr. Rigg stated that he could not slaughter himself.”—­Carlisle Journal.

Compare The Mikado:—­

Koko.  “Besides, I don’t see how a man could cut off his own head.”

Pooh-Bah.  “A man might try.”

* * * * *

[Illustration:  HIS LATEST.

THE KAISER.  “THIS IS SORRY WORK FOR A HOHENZOLLERN; STILL, NECESSITY
KNOWS NO TRADITIONS.”]

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

Monday, May 7th.—­The Royal House has found an unexpected defender in Mr. OUTHWAITE.  He alone has perceived the hidden danger underlying the recent proposal of the Lower House of Convocation to restore KING CHARLES I. to his old place in the Church Calendar.  This, he considers, is a direct encouragement to the persons who seek the restoration of the Stuart dynasty, and would make Prince RUPPRECHT of Bavaria heir-apparent to the British Throne.  The House was relieved to hear from Mr. BRACE that there was no immediate danger of this contingency.  Indeed, Prince RUPPRECHT has had so much trouble already with his prospective subjects that he has probably no desire for their closer acquaintance.

Sir LEO CHIOZZA MONEY is ordinarily a chirpy little person, quite able to take care of himself.  But he was obviously depressed by his inability to furnish a plausible reason why two food-ships, having arrived safely in home ports, should have been sent away undischarged, with the result that they were torpedoed and their cargoes lost.  The statement that he was “still inquiring” brought no comfort to the House of (Short) Commons.  Why doesn’t the SHIPPING CONTROLLER organise a Flying Squadron of dock-labourers?