Office fees;
      And everybody said
      “How can he be repaid—­
  This very great—­this very good—­this very gifted man?”
  But nobody could hit upon a practicable plan!

  At last the point was given up in absolute despair,
  When a distant cousin died, and he became a millionaire,
  With a county seat in Parliament, a moor or two of grouse,
  And a taste for making inconvenient speeches in the House!
  Then it flashed upon Britannia that the fittest of rewards
  Was, to take him from the Commons and to put him in the Lords! 
  And who so fit to sit in it, deny it if you can,
  As this very great—­this very good—­this very gifted man? 
      (Though I’m more than half afraid
      That it sometimes may be said
  That we never should have revelled in that source of proper pride,
  However great his merits—­if his cousin hadn’t died!)

WHEN I FIRST PUT THIS UNIFORM ON.

  When I first put this uniform on,
    I said as I looked in the glass. 
      “It’s one to a million
      That any civilian
  My figure and form will surpass. 
  Gold lace has a charm for the fair,
  And I’ve plenty of that, and to spare,
      While a lover’s professions,
      When uttered in Hessians,
  Are eloquent everywhere! 
        A fact that I counted upon,
        When I first put this uniform on!”

  I said, when I first put it on,
    “It is plain to the veriest dunce
      That every beauty
      Will feel it her duty
  To yield to its glamor at once. 
  They will see that I’m freely gold-laced
  In a uniform handsome and chaste—­
      But the peripatetics
      Of long-haired aesthetics,
  Are very much more to their taste—­
        Which I never counted upon
        When I first put this uniform on!”

[Illustration]

SAID I TO MYSELF, SAID I.

  When I went to the Bar as a very young man,
    (Said I to myself—­said I),
  I’ll work on a new and original plan
    (Said I to myself—­said I),
  I’ll never assume that a rogue or a thief
  Is a gentleman worthy implicit belief,
  Because his attorney has sent me a brief
    (Said I to myself—­said I!).

  I’ll never throw dust in a juryman’s eyes
    (Said I to myself—­said I),
  Or hoodwink a judge who is not over-wise
    (Said I to myself—­said I),
  Or assume that the witnesses summoned in force
  In Exchequer, Queen’s Bench, Common Pleas, or Divorce,
  Have perjured themselves as a matter of course
    (Said I to myself—­said I).

  Ere I go into court I will read my brief through
    (Said I to myself—­said I),
  And I’ll never take work I’m unable to do
    (Said I to myself—­said I). 
  My learned profession I’ll never disgrace
  By taking a fee with a grin on my face,
  When I haven’t been there to attend to the case
    (Said I to myself—­said I!).