To compliments inflated I’ve a withering reply;
And vanity I always do my best to mortify;
A charitable action I can skilfully dissect: 
And interested motives I’m delighted to detect. 
I know everybody’s income and what everybody earns,
And I carefully compare it with the income tax returns;
But to benefit humanity, however much I plan,
Yet everybody says I’m such a disagreeable man! 

                    And I can’t think why!

I’m sure I’m no ascetic:  I’m as pleasant as can be;
You’ll always find me ready with a crushing repartee;
I’ve an irritating chuckle; I’ve a celebrated sneer;
I’ve an entertaining snigger; I’ve a fascinating leer;
To everybody’s prejudice I know a thing or two;
I can tell a woman’s age in half a minute—­and I do—­
But although I try to make myself as pleasant as I can,
Yet everybody says I’m such a disagreeable man! 

                    And I can’t think why!

THE MODERN MAJOR-GENERAL.

I am the very pattern of a modern Major-Gineral. 
I’ve information vegetable, animal, and mineral;
I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical,
From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical;
I’m very well acquainted too with matters mathematical,
I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical,
About binomial theorem I’m teeming with a lot o’ news,
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse. 
I’m very good at integral and differential calculus,
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous,
In short in matters vegetable, animal and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-Gineral.

  I know our mythic history—­King Arthur’s and Sir Caradoc’s,
  I answer hard acrostics, I’ve a pretty taste for paradox,
  I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus,
  In conies I can floor peculiarities parabolous. 
  I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies,
  I know the croaking chorus from the “Frogs” of Aristophanes,
  Then I can hum a fugue of which I’ve heard the music’s din afore,
  And whistle all the airs from that confounded nonsense “Pinafore.” 
  Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform,
  And tell you every detail of Caractacus’s uniform. 
  In short in matters vegetable, animal and mineral,
  I am the very model of a modern Major-Gineral.

  In fact when I know what is meant by “mamelon” and “ravelin,”
  When I can tell at sight a Chassepot rifle from a javelin,
  When such affairs as sorties and surprises I’m more wary at,
  And when I know precisely what is meant by Commissariat,
  When I have learn what progress has been made in modern gunnery,
  When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery,