MRS. WILLIS—­“You must be mistaken.  I was talking with Mrs. Highflier only yesterday.”

WILLIS—­“Well.  I was talking with the mortgagee only this morning.”—­Puck.

In a certain home-missionary movement every participant was to contribute a dollar that she had earned herself by hard work.  The night of the collection of the dollars came, and various and droll were the stories of earning the money.  One woman had shampooed hair, another had made doughnuts, another had secured newspaper subscriptions, and so on.

The chairman turned to a handsome woman in the front row.

“Now, madam, it is your turn,” he said.  “How did you earn your dollar?”

“I got it from my husband,” she answered.

“Oh!” said he.  “From your husband?  There was no hard work about that.”

The woman smiled faintly.

“You don’t know my husband,” she said.

“Before we were married, you used to send around a dozen roses every week,” said she.

“Roses are easy,” replied he.  “This week I’m going to send around two tons of coal and a rib-roast.”

LANDLADY—­“That new boarder is either a married man or a widower.”

PRETTY DAUGHTER—­“Why, ma, he says he is a bachelor.”

LANDLADY—­“Well, I don’t believe it.  When he opens his pocketbook to pay his board he always turns his back to me.”

“Hicks promised to give his wife a dime for every one he spends for cigars.”

“How does it work?”

“First rate.  You see we meet every day and he buys me the drinks and I buy him the cigars.”

DOMESTIC RELATIONS

HUSBAND (newly married)—­“Don’t you think, love, if I were to smoke, it would spoil the curtains?”

WIFE—­“Ah, you are the most unselfish and thoughtful husband in the world; certainly it would.”

HUSBAND—­“Well, then, take the curtains down.”

Willie’s grandmother had come to visit them.

“Are you mamma’s mother?” asked Willie by way of conversation.

“No, dear.  I’m your grandmother on your father’s side.”

“Well,” said Willie decidedly (he was an observing little fellow), “all I got to say is you’re on the wrong side.”

SHE—­“Just think of it!  A few words mumbled by the minister and people are married.”

HE—­“Yes, and, by George, a few words mumbled by a sleeping husband and people are divorced.”

Two friends met in the Strand the morning after an airplane raid.

“Any damage done your way?” the first asked.

“Damage!  Rather!” answered the other.  “Father and mother were blown clean out of the window.  The neighbors say it’s the first time they’ve been seen to leave the house together in seventeen years.”

See also Families; Marriage.

DREAMS