“You say this doctor has a large practice?”

“It’s so large that when a patient has nothing the matter with him he tells him so.”

Why She Objected

An old woman’s son was seriously ill and the attending surgeon advised an operation.  But the mother bitterly objected.

“I don’t believe in operations!” she exclaimed.  “Even the Scriptures is agin it.  Don’t the Bible say plain and flat:  ’What God hath j’ined togither, let not man put asunder’?”

REDD—­“The doctor said he’d have me on my feet in a fortnight.”

GREENE—­“And did he?”

“Sure.  I’ve had to sell my automobile.”

SPECIALIST—­“You are suffering from nerve exhaustion.  I can cure you for the small sum of $2,000.”

PATIENT—­“And will my nerve be as good as yours then?”

In a confidential little talk to a group of medical students an eminent physician took up the extremely important matter of correct diagnosis of the maximum fee.

“The best rewards,” he said, “come, of course, to the established specialist.  For instance, I charge twenty-five dollars a call at the residence, ten dollars for an office consultation, and five dollars for a telephone consultation.”

There was an appreciative and envious silence, and then a voice from the back of the theater, slightly thickened, spoke: 

“Doc,” it asked, “how much do you charge a fellow for passing you on the street?”

An insurance agent was filling out an application blank.

“Have you ever had appendicitis?” he asked.

“Well,” answered the applicant, “I was operated on but I have never felt quite sure whether it was appendicitis or professional curiosity.”

“Oh, doctor, I have sent for you, certainly; still, I must confess that I have not the slightest faith in modern medical science.”

“Well,” said the doctor, “that doesn’t matter in the least.  You see, a mule has no faith in the veterinary surgeon, and yet he cures him all the same.”

A Great Difference

A noted physician, particularly expeditious in examining and prescribing for his patients, was sought out by an army man whom he “polished off” in almost less than no time.  As the patient was leaving, he shook hands heartily with the doctor and said: 

“I am especially glad to have met you, as I have often heard my father, Colonel Blank, speak of you.”

“What!” exclaimed the physician, “are you old Tom’s son?”

“Certainly.”

“My dear fellow,” cried the doctor, “fling that infernal prescription in the fire and sit down and tell me what is the matter with you.”

“Father, what is a convalescent?”

“A patient who is still alive, son.”

Young M.D.—­“Well, Dad, I’m hanging out my shingle; can’t you give me some rules for success?”

“Always write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills very plainly.”