The new guard was not familiar with a certain railway run in Wales.  Came to a station which rejoiced in the name Llanfairfechanpwllgogerych.  For a few minutes he stood looking at the signboard in mute helplessness.  Then pointing to the board, and waving his other arm toward the carriages, he called, “If there’s anybody there for here, this is it!”

DETECTIVES

HOKUS—­“How does Sleuthpup rank as a detective?”

POKUS—­“Great.  You know, he used to work in the repair department of an umbrella factory.”

“What has that got to do with being a detective?”

“Why, that fellow can recover an umbrella that has never been stolen.”

DETERMINATION

“Thirty years ago,” said the man who had traveled to the end of the earth and most of the way back, “I started out, alone, unaided, without friends to help me along, with the intention of making the world pay me the living that it owes me.  My only allies were a dollar bill and a determination to make a million more.  Today (and he threw out his chest proudly) I still have the determination and fifty cents in change.”

  When hope seems dim
    And the worst’s in sight,
  When you’ve lost your vim,
    Just hang on tight;
  Give blow for a blow,
    And don’t give in,
  Till you’ve let ’em all know
    That you tried to win.

DIAGNOSIS

FRIEND—­“What is the first thing you do when a man presents himself to you for consultation?”

DOCTOR—­“I ask him if he has a car.”

FRIEND—­“What do you learn from that?”

DOCTOR—­“If he has one, I know he is wealthy—­and if he hasn’t, I know he is healthy.”

Starting with a wonderful burst of oratory, the great evangelist had, after two hours’ steady preaching, become rather hoarse.

A little boy’s mother in the congregation whispered to her son, “Isn’t it wonderful?  What do you think of him?”

“He needs a new needle,” returned the boy sleepily.

The telephone rang and the bookkeeper answered it.

“Yes, madam, this is Wilkins’s market.”

“This is Mrs. Blank.  I want you to know that the liver you sent me is most unsatisfactory.  It is not calf’s liver at all; calf’s liver is tender and——­”

“Just a moment, madam, and I’ll call the proprietor.”

“What is it?” Wilkins asked.

The bookkeeper surrendered the phone.

“Mrs. Blank,” he said.  “Liver Complaint.”

Axel, a Swede in an outfit at Fort Jay, woke up one morning with a desire to loaf.  He got put on sick-call, thinking it was worth trying, anyway.  At the dispensary the “doc.” looked him over, felt his pulse, and took his temperature.  Then he said: 

“I can’t find anything wrong with you.”