ACCURACY

In one of the industrial towns in South Wales a workman met with a serious accident.  The doctor was sent for, and came and examined him, had him bandaged and carried home on a stretcher, seemingly unconscious.

After he was put to bed the doctor told his wife to give him sixpennyworth of brandy when he came to himself.  After the doctor had left the wife told the daughter to run and fetch threepennyworth of brandy for her father.

The old chap opened his eyes and said, in a loud voice:  “Sixpenn’orth, the doctor said.”

An editor had a notice stuck up above his desk on which was printed:  “Accuracy!  Accuracy!  Accuracy!” and this notice he always pointed out to the new reporters.

One day the youngest member of the staff came in with his report of a public meeting.  The editor read it through and came to the sentence:  “Three thousand nine hundred ninety-nine eyes were fixed upon the speaker.”

“What do you mean by making a silly blunder like that?” he demanded, wrathfully.

“But it’s not a blunder,” protested the youngster.  “There was a one-eyed man in the audience!”

ACTORS AND ACTRESSES

First actress (behind the scenes)—­“Did you hear the way the public wept during my death scene?”

Second actress—­“Yes, it must have been because they realized that it was only acted!”

“These love scenes are rotten.  Can’t the leading man act as if he were in love with the star?”

“Can’t act at all,” said the director.  “Trouble is, he is in love with her.”

The teacher was giving the class a natural history lecture on Australia.  “There is one animal,” she said, “none of you have mentioned.  It does not stand up on its legs all the time.  It does not walk like other animals, but takes funny little skips.  What is it?” And the class yelled with one voice, “Charlie Chaplin!”

Eight-year-old Robert had been ill for nearly a month with tonsilitis, and nothing kept him contented but pictures of his favorite, Charlie Chaplin, clipped from the pages of the motion-picture pictorials.

One morning, as his mother sat beside his bed, he studied earnestly a full-page drawing of the million-dollar comedian.

“Mother,” he asked, “will Charlie Chaplin go to heaven?”

“Why, yes—­I hope so,” answered the somewhat astonished parent.

“Gee! won’t the Lord have some fun then!” was Robert’s comment.

Sweeping his long hair back with an impressive gesture the visitor faced the proprietor of the film studio.  “I would like to secure a place in your moving-picture company,” he said.

“You are an actor?” asked the film man.

“Yes.”

“Had any experience acting without audiences?”

A flicker of sadness shone in the visitor’s eyes as he replied: