Eradne’s made a wondrous top
    That’s famed from Maine to Italy;
  While Wanda’s jointed rabbits hop
    Through every modern nursery;
    May has a mock canteen, where tea
  Is served to sound of drum and fife,
    Grace reaps from etymology—­
  But where am I to find a wife?

  Maud’s raising a world-famous crop
    Where honors tie ’twixt bean and pea;
  At Daisy’s restaurant each chop
    Would rouse a Muse from apathy;
    Babette’s a broker, who must be
  Where rumors anent stocks are rife;
    They’re all most useful, I agree—­
  But where am I to find a wife?

  I do not know on land or sea,
  A girl who’d stay at home with me—­
    In any varied walks of life. 
    So how am I to find a wife!
  Charlotte Becker.

CAMPAIGNS

See Public Speakers.

CANDIDATES

TED—­“So you think I’m wasting my time making love to that rich girl?”

NED—­“You have about as much chance of winning as a landlord running for office on a dry ticket.”

THE HEELER—­“Well, I see that Jimpson, them reformers’ candidate f’r Mayor, is goin’ t’ have all his meetin’s opened with prayer.”

THE BOSS—­“Good!  That means he knows he’s licked!”

“What do you think of the candidates?”

“Well the more I think of them the more pleased I am that only one of them can get in.”

See also Politicians.

CANDOR

“How is your wife this morning, Uncle Henry?”

“Well, I dunno.  She’s failin, dretful slow.  I do wish she’d git well, or somethin’.”—­Puck.

Candor may be considered as a compound of justice and the love of truth.—­J.  Abercrombie.

Candor is the seal of a noble mind, the ornament and pride of man, the sweetest charm of woman, the scorn of rascals and the rarest virtue of sociability.—­Bentsel-Sternau.

  ’Tis great—­’tis manly to disdain disguise,
  It shows our spirit, or it proves our strength.—­Young.

STATISTICIAN (on the platform)—­“These are not my figures, ladies and gentlemen; they are the figures of a man who knows what he is talking about.”

CAPITAL AND LABOR

WILLIE—­“Paw, what is the difference between capital and labor?”

PAW—­“Well, the money you lend represents capital, and getting it back represents labor, my son.”

If you divorce capital from labor, capital is hoarded, and labor starves.—­Daniel Webster.

CARD INDEX

MINING-STOCK PROMOTER—­“Where can I hide?  The police are coming!”

CHIEF CLERK—­“Get into the card-index case.  I defy any one to find anything in there.”—­Judge.