“I wouldn’t if I were you.  What is he suffering from?”

“Insomnia.”

WIFE—­“Oh, George, do order a rat-trap to be sent home today.”

GEORGE—­“But you bought one last week.”

WIFE—­“Yes, dear, but there’s a rat in that.”

“What kind of coal do you wish, mum?”

“Dear me, I am so inexperienced in these things.  Are there various kinds?”

“Oh, yes.  We have egg coal, chestnut—­”

“I think I’ll take egg coal.  We have eggs oftener than we have chestnuts.”

BROOKLYN

“Where can I find a map of Brooklyn, old man?”

“There ain’t any such thing.  No one has ever been able to make one.”

BROTHERHOOD

The brotherhood of man begins with the manhood of the brother.

To live is not to live for one’s self alone; let us help one another.—­Menander.

We must love men, ere to us they will seem worthy of our love.—­Shakespeare.

BURBANK

One day Luther Burbank was walking in his garden when he was accosted by an officious acquaintance who said: 

“Well, what are you working on now?”

“Trying to cross an eggplant and milk-weed,” said Mr. Burbank.

“And what under heaven do you expect from that?”

Mr. Burbank calmly resumed his walk.

“Custard pie,” he said.

BUSINESS

There are two reasons why some people don’t mind their own business.  One is that they haven’t any mind, the other that they haven’t any business.

“I’m a very busy man, sir.  What is your proposition?”

“I want to make you rich.”

“Just so.  Leave your recipe with me and I’ll look it over later.  Just now I’m engaged in closing up a little deal by which I expect to make $3.50 in real money.”

A teacher asked those pupils who wanted to go to heaven to raise their hands.  All except little Ikey’s hands went up.  The teacher asked him if he didn’t want to go to heaven and Ikey replied that he had heard his father tell his mother that ‘Business had all gone to hell’ and Ikey wanted to go where the business had gone.

The vicar’s appeal had been a most eloquent one, and had even penetrated the depths of Mr. Blackleigh’s granite organ.  The latter came forward and offered L50 for the fund.

The worthy cleric was overjoyed.

“I don’t know your name, sir,” he cried; “but I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I thank you!  May your business prosper, sir!”

Then there was a solemn hush, and the committee looked askance at their vicar.

“What’s the matter?” whispered the clergyman, turning to the chairman.

“Well—­er—­that donor is an undertaker!”