Ollie grasped the curtains of the berth, shook them vigorously, growled once or twice, and remarked vindictively to the porter: 

“So I’ve got to sleep in an upper, have I?  The last time I did that it was on a trip from Frankfort to Washington, and the blamed thing broke down and mashed the man under me.  Throw that grip up there, and I hope to Heaven the berth will hold me.”

Then he went back to the smoker and had a cigar.

When he returned, the little man was in the upper.

As it is

Weep and you are called a baby,
Laugh and you are called a fool,
Yield and you’re called a coward,
Stand and you’re called a mule,
Smile and they’ll call you silly,
Frown and they’ll call you gruff,
Put on a front like a millionaire,
And somebody calls you a bluff.

A successful old lawyer tells the following story anent the beginning of his professional life:  “I had just installed myself in my office,” he said, “had put in a phone and had preened myself for my first client who might come along when, through the glass of my door I saw a shadow.  Yes, it was doubtless some one to see me.  Picture me, then, grabbing the nice, shiny receiver of my new phone and plunging into an imaginary conversation.  It ran something like this:  ‘Yes, Mr. S.,’ I was saying as the stranger entered the office, ’I’ll attend to that corporation matter for you.  Mr. J. had me on the phone this morning and wanted me to settle a damage suit, but I had to put him off, as I was too busy with other cases.  But I’ll manage to sandwich your case in between the others somehow.  Yes.  Yes.  All right.  Goodby.’  Being sure, then, that I had duly impressed my prospective client, I hung up the receiver and turned to him.  ‘Excuse me, sir,’ the man said, ’but I’m from the telephone company.  I’ve come to connect your instrument.’”

BOARD OF HEALTH

Strolling along the quays of New York harbor, an Irishman came across the wooden barricade which is placed around the inclosure where immigrants suspected of suffering from contagious diseases are isolated.

“Phwat’s this fince for?” he inquired of a bystander.

“Oh,” was the reply; “that’s to keep out fever and things like that, you know.”

“Indade!” said Pat.  “Oi’ve often heard of the board of health, but bejabers, it’s the first time Oi’ve seen it!”

BOARDING HOUSES

The fare at a certain boarding-house was very poor.  A boarder who had been there for some time, because he could not get away, was standing in the hall when the landlord rang the dinner-bell.  Whereupon an old dog that was lying outside on a rug commenced to howl mournfully.

The boarder watched him a little while and then said:  “What on earth are you howling for?  You don’t have to eat it!”

In the soft firelight even the boarding-house sitting-room looked cozy and attractive.  The warmth and comfort thawed the heart of the “star” boarder.  He turned to the landlady and murmured.  “Will you be my wife?”